Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Yesterday was Super Tuesday. Unsurprisingly, Mitt Romney won in most states, Rick Santorum had a few narrow victories, and Newt Gingrich managed just one. Ron Paul, who has made it his lifelong mission to alienate both Republicans and Democrats, went home a loser; however, he remains steadfastly committed to wasting as much money as...
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The saddest news of the day is that Davy Jones, the lead singer of The Monkees, has died of a heart attack at 66. While The Monkees was never meant to be a “serious” band, they sold 50 million records and many of us have fond memories of watching their television show and listening...
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Chris Christie, while looking forward to his role as Mitt Romney’s running mate in this year’s presidential election, has vetoed a bill in New Jersey that would have allowed same-sex couples to marry. Meanwhile, in Maryland, a similar bill is on track to clear the Senate and subsequently be signed by Governor Martin O’Malley....
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Alexandra Michel, a University of Southern California researcher, says that we should feel bad for investment bankers because their unquenchable thirst for money and power leaves them hollow shells of human beings. According to her, they behave much like politicians—insomnia, alcoholism, heart palpitations, eating disorders and violent tempers are just a few of their...
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The City Pages hit newsstands yesterday; in it is an article entitled “Tea Party Princess,” a profile of former Saturday Night Live “star,” Victoria Jackson. Apparently—and I didn’t know this—Jackson’s signature bubble-brained act that she put on was just her being herself. It really is worth checking out. Jackson, whose career has been in...
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I wish Stephen Colbert really would run in 2012. I’m also disappointed in Roseanne Barr, who announced her “twofer” campaign months ago—and while she’s gained a small following as the only decent candidate in the race, hardly anyone outside of these weird Internet circles has even heard the good news. As for Colbert, he...
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We’re already seven days into the New Year and I’ve barely talked about the Occupy Wall Street movement. Perhaps it’s because the whole thing is easy to forget in the face of the hectic holiday season; or maybe it’s because the mainstream media only mentions OWS in passing—even as the revolution grows and continues...
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Last month, the people behind the Occupy Wall Street movement called for citizens of the United States to support Main Street by moving their money from large banks to small, local credit unions. There is a website—Move Your Money—dedicated to helping people do this. I’m ashamed to say that with all of my good...
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I apologize for neglecting my column for the last few days, but much of my weekend was spent coping with a nasty stomach virus while a parade of idiots crashed around my home, howling drunkenly and trying gamely to destroy both my apartment and my marriage. I had to fire one of our Entertainment...
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The Occupy Wall Street website was down for a number of days—I don’t know why and there has been no mention anywhere of an interruption—but I checked moments ago and it is once again live. Even with progressive news sources such as RT America and MSNBC, it is easy to lose track of the...
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I’ve always enjoyed Adam Carolla’s brand of humor—especially when he was hosting Love Line with Dr. Drew Pinsky—but his opinion regarding the Occupy Wall Street protests is repugnantly small minded. He has called them “fucking self-entitled monsters” and “self-entitled pricks who think the world owes them a living.” Mr. Carolla is referring to the...
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I’ve all but given up on my local papers—I stack the print editions next to my toilet and then throw them away once a week or so—and television is a waste of time, except for MSNBC, perhaps. Today, I get most of my news from YouTube and the Occupy Wall Street website, preferring to...
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Major cities all across the U.S. are participating in the November 17 Occupy Wall Street Day of Action. As many as 35,000—perhaps more—citizens are protesting in New York City. I’ve added a couple of additional live feeds to the side of this page and have been following the action for most of the day....
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Just today, there have been many new developments with regards to the Occupy Wall Street movement—which is hardly surprising, since the thing just keeps rolling right along. I’ve devoted a lot of coverage to it since it started—and I’m not going to stop. This is the most important thing going on in the world...
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First of all, I’d like to apologize for neglecting my column for the last week. I’d like to think that there are plenty of people out there who have missed me; whether or not that’s true remains to be seen. As I said on October 29, this site is undergoing a transformation of sorts....
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Herman Cain has adjusted his 9-9-9 plan so it would be slightly more palatable to … well … to anyone. Republicans and Democrats alike have called it ludicrous ever since he stole the ill-conceived proposal from a video game; in fact, the only people who thought that it was a good idea were those...
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Peace officers all over the country continue to show who they “protect & serve”—and it isn’t the people of this fine nation; rather, it is the 1% grifter class. Last night, at least 100 protesters were arrested in Boston for simply refusing to disperse when night fell. Perhaps the Boston PD doesn’t realize what...
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I realize that it was somewhat of a shock when Chris Christie said once again that he’s not running for president, goddamnit, and why do you people keep hounding me?—but I was positively floored to learn that Sarah Palin isn’t going to throw her hat into the ring. No, that’s a lie. I’ve been...
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The biggest headline today is that Chris Christie is not running for president—which is hardly surprising since that’s what he’s been saying all along. So, this isn’t really news, is it? No, but I thought that I’d just get it out of the way. Now that we have that mystery cleared up, we can...
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I had the idea that I’d like to crank out a column tonight with my left hand. It’s Saturday night and we have company—just my wife’s friend so far, but that’s okay. I’m drowning myself in 16-ounce cans of Busch Light as usual; Megan is drinking Newcastle because she has expensive tastes; and Leeann...
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I received my v2 electronic cigarette today after waiting feverishly for it all week. (I ordered it late Monday night—I guess I’m just impatient.) My wife remains skeptical while my daughter proclaimed that it is “cool”; as for me, I think I’m sold. One of the main advantages of eCigs is that they’re safe...
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I finally ordered an electronic cigarette kit from http://www.v2cigs.com/ last night. Hopefully, I’ll be able to use it to replace my chewing tobacco before I develop big holes in my face. The thing has already shipped, so I expect it to arrive within the next couple of days. As soon as it does, I’ll...
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Rick Perry talks a good game, but let’s get down to brass tacks: according to one of his own state agencies, the Texas unemployment rate increased to 8.5% in August—the highest level in more than 24 years and more than twice the rate when Perry took office in December 2000. It’s hard to argue with...
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We’re just hours away from knowing whether or not a Republican will be elected to New York’s 9th Congressional District for the first time. Democrat David Weprin is up against Bob Turner, a retired media executive with no previous political experience—and so far, it looks like Turner might just make history. All of this...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
