Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
UPDATE: Mental Illness Redux – Behaviorist Mike Samsa Responds. I was having a heated discussion today about the somewhat contrived nature of modern psychology – at least fringe psychology. You see, as I understand things (with said understandings relatively biased and, I’ll admit, somewhat limited in an overall general way, so definitely...
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Here’s a bit of mildly interesting mélange of events for you. First, it goes without saying that the Citizens United decision gets smellier the longer it remains unflushed in the toilet of our legislative process. My opinion, for what it’s worth, is that the largest businesses should be recognized as part of the legislative...
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Today is the one-year anniversary of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Many people believe that OWS ended—was crushed, really—months ago; they think that it never survived the winter. Those people haven’t been paying attention. Occupy Wall Street has grown, although it has become so commonplace that it no longer receives media attention … but...
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President Obama finally came out and admitted yesterday that he supports same-sex marriage, an issue that he’s been dancing around for years. It’s a risky business to say such a thing just six months away from the general election, but perhaps the president got a whiff of the political climate and decided that he’d...
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I just got done reading an interesting story about a man in Utah named Daniel Suelo who hasn’t made or spent so much as a penny in twelve years; instead, he lives in caves and forages for food. Apparently, he’s happy. Anyone who reads this column knows how I feel about our antiquated monetary...
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Well, we can all stop wondering if it’s Dick Clark’s last New Year’s Eve. In recent years, folks have gathered around their televisions to watch the old gentleman struggle with the countdown in Times Square—and apparently this rotten year, 2012, was the one that did him in. Clark died on Wednesday at the age...
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It’s been a while since we reported on any new developments with the Occupy Wall Street movement. Many people think that OWS is over and has been for some time; on the contrary, the only thing that has been lacking is media coverage. It’s easy to forget about something when you don’t hear about...
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Poor old Newt Gingrich just doesn’t want to give up and admit that his campaign is over. Even after laying off a third of his staff, cutting back on travel, and meeting with the only ten people who have endorsed him (and hearing their doubts about the viability of his campaign), he is unwilling...
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I’d like to say that I’ve been neglecting my column and my responsibilities as the editor & publisher of this magazine because I’ve been busy with my next three books—or even a short story—but the truth is, I’ve been dividing my time pretty evenly between gutting my apartment and immersing myself in the nightmare...
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It seems that the federal government is once again throwing away money on shit that no one needs—this time they are doling out billions of dollars in grants for small rural towns to purchase tanks and other armored vehicles … “just in case.” In case of what? In case a fight breaks out at...
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Yesterday was Super Tuesday. Unsurprisingly, Mitt Romney won in most states, Rick Santorum had a few narrow victories, and Newt Gingrich managed just one. Ron Paul, who has made it his lifelong mission to alienate both Republicans and Democrats, went home a loser; however, he remains steadfastly committed to wasting as much money as...
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I must get something off of my chest and in print before I spiral into another six month non-productive, contemplative state. It wasn’t until I recently finished the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins that I allowed myself time again to examine the state of affairs in fantasy fiction. What I found is entirely solipsistic,...
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The saddest news of the day is that Davy Jones, the lead singer of The Monkees, has died of a heart attack at 66. While The Monkees was never meant to be a “serious” band, they sold 50 million records and many of us have fond memories of watching their television show and listening...
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Chris Christie, while looking forward to his role as Mitt Romney’s running mate in this year’s presidential election, has vetoed a bill in New Jersey that would have allowed same-sex couples to marry. Meanwhile, in Maryland, a similar bill is on track to clear the Senate and subsequently be signed by Governor Martin O’Malley....
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I haven’t written a column in ten days, which seems like a lifetime—and it is, come to think of it. When I cranked out my last dose of wisdom, I still had a wife and two kids to go home to; unfortunately, all of that changed on Super Sunday when my wife disappeared for...
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It’s been hectic in the world of politics since I checked in last. I got hung up re-designing this site and have taken on a couple of editing assignments, all of which demands most of my time. But what the hell, right? It’s the weekend—Super Bowl weekend—and I thought that I’d crank out a...
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The City Pages hit newsstands yesterday; in it is an article entitled “Tea Party Princess,” a profile of former Saturday Night Live “star,” Victoria Jackson. Apparently—and I didn’t know this—Jackson’s signature bubble-brained act that she put on was just her being herself. It really is worth checking out. Jackson, whose career has been in...
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“There is all the difference in the world between the criminal’s avoiding the public eye and the civil disobedience between an open violation of the law, performed in public, and a clandestine one is so glaringly obvious that it can be neglected only by prejudice or ill will.” -Hannah Arendt “The First Amendment...
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January 18 was “blackout day” and it was a success. Many popular sites—including this one—went dark in protest of the pending SOPA/PIPA acts, which are attempting to slither their way into law. Major news sources are now reporting that many former supporters of this legislation are changing their tune after being inundated with letters,...
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So much for the snow. On Saturday, we got an inch—maybe—and it’s all gone again. I woke up on the couch yesterday afternoon with the sunshine streaming in through the open patio door. This has to be the best winter that I’ve ever seen here in Minnesota … … but not for everyone. My...
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It’s Saturday and it’s finally snowing here in Minnesota—and it’s about as cold as a goddamned icebox outside. A few days ago it was sixty degrees and the golf courses were open; apparently our lucky streak is over—for now. While I watch my car disappear under a blanket of white, I have a lot...
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Well, so much for Rick Santorum’s surge. He came in a dismal fifth place in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, behind even Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney won, of course, followed by Ron Paul and … Jon Huntsman? Weird. Now, at least, we know who the new “flavor of the week” is—and this latest...
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Watching yesterday’s Republican debates on Meet the Press made it even more obvious than it already was who the nominee will be—namely, Mitt Romney. He was the only man on stage who I could even picture running in a general election, while Newt Gingrich only interrupted his sulking long enough for short, fiery bursts...
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I was somewhat amazed during last night’s presidential debate to see Newt Gingrich blow his stack and start raving about “anti-Christian bigotry” when the moderators asked a series of questions regarding whether or not gay couples should be allowed to marry. Never mind. This doesn’t surprise me at all. Every one of those six...
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The City Pages reported on Wednesday that overall, our elected officials are much better off financially than we are—particularly Republicans (Minnesota’s four House Republicans have an average net worth of $1,413,752; in comparison, the four House Democrats have an average net worth of just $292,999). Yes, members of Congress are worth over nine times...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
