Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
That’s exactly what he said when I showed him this picture; and while he might have wondered why anyone would marry a Megalodon shark, he kept his curiosity to himself. Apparently, you don’t ask too many questions when someone is paying you $200 an hour; instead, you just start drawing up papers and making...
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It’s been a while since we reported on any new developments with the Occupy Wall Street movement. Many people think that OWS is over and has been for some time; on the contrary, the only thing that has been lacking is media coverage. It’s easy to forget about something when you don’t hear about...
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Poor old Newt Gingrich just doesn’t want to give up and admit that his campaign is over. Even after laying off a third of his staff, cutting back on travel, and meeting with the only ten people who have endorsed him (and hearing their doubts about the viability of his campaign), he is unwilling...
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It seems that the federal government is once again throwing away money on shit that no one needs—this time they are doling out billions of dollars in grants for small rural towns to purchase tanks and other armored vehicles … “just in case.” In case of what? In case a fight breaks out at...
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Yesterday was Super Tuesday. Unsurprisingly, Mitt Romney won in most states, Rick Santorum had a few narrow victories, and Newt Gingrich managed just one. Ron Paul, who has made it his lifelong mission to alienate both Republicans and Democrats, went home a loser; however, he remains steadfastly committed to wasting as much money as...
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I must get something off of my chest and in print before I spiral into another six month non-productive, contemplative state. It wasn’t until I recently finished the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins that I allowed myself time again to examine the state of affairs in fantasy fiction. What I found is entirely solipsistic,...
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The saddest news of the day is that Davy Jones, the lead singer of The Monkees, has died of a heart attack at 66. While The Monkees was never meant to be a “serious” band, they sold 50 million records and many of us have fond memories of watching their television show and listening...
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Alexandra Michel, a University of Southern California researcher, says that we should feel bad for investment bankers because their unquenchable thirst for money and power leaves them hollow shells of human beings. According to her, they behave much like politicians—insomnia, alcoholism, heart palpitations, eating disorders and violent tempers are just a few of their...
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I haven’t written a column in ten days, which seems like a lifetime—and it is, come to think of it. When I cranked out my last dose of wisdom, I still had a wife and two kids to go home to; unfortunately, all of that changed on Super Sunday when my wife disappeared for...
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It’s been hectic in the world of politics since I checked in last. I got hung up re-designing this site and have taken on a couple of editing assignments, all of which demands most of my time. But what the hell, right? It’s the weekend—Super Bowl weekend—and I thought that I’d crank out a...
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The City Pages hit newsstands yesterday; in it is an article entitled “Tea Party Princess,” a profile of former Saturday Night Live “star,” Victoria Jackson. Apparently—and I didn’t know this—Jackson’s signature bubble-brained act that she put on was just her being herself. It really is worth checking out. Jackson, whose career has been in...
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Surprise, surprise … Newt Gingrich won yesterday’s South Carolina primary, trailed by Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and finally poor old Ron Paul, who finished a dismal fourth. There were some people—over 2,500 of them—who insisted on voting for candidates who are no longer in the race; whether this is because they haven’t been keeping...
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January 18 was “blackout day” and it was a success. Many popular sites—including this one—went dark in protest of the pending SOPA/PIPA acts, which are attempting to slither their way into law. Major news sources are now reporting that many former supporters of this legislation are changing their tune after being inundated with letters,...
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So much for the snow. On Saturday, we got an inch—maybe—and it’s all gone again. I woke up on the couch yesterday afternoon with the sunshine streaming in through the open patio door. This has to be the best winter that I’ve ever seen here in Minnesota … … but not for everyone. My...
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It’s Saturday and it’s finally snowing here in Minnesota—and it’s about as cold as a goddamned icebox outside. A few days ago it was sixty degrees and the golf courses were open; apparently our lucky streak is over—for now. While I watch my car disappear under a blanket of white, I have a lot...
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Well, so much for Rick Santorum’s surge. He came in a dismal fifth place in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, behind even Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney won, of course, followed by Ron Paul and … Jon Huntsman? Weird. Now, at least, we know who the new “flavor of the week” is—and this latest...
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Watching yesterday’s Republican debates on Meet the Press made it even more obvious than it already was who the nominee will be—namely, Mitt Romney. He was the only man on stage who I could even picture running in a general election, while Newt Gingrich only interrupted his sulking long enough for short, fiery bursts...
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The City Pages reported on Wednesday that overall, our elected officials are much better off financially than we are—particularly Republicans (Minnesota’s four House Republicans have an average net worth of $1,413,752; in comparison, the four House Democrats have an average net worth of just $292,999). Yes, members of Congress are worth over nine times...
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Okay, now the holidays are finally over. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, but we’re officially into 2012 and we can begin to look forward to spring and tax season. Not everyone gets excited about taxes—in fact, many loathe the April 15 deadline—but I’m married and have two children, so I always feel...
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There are a lot of weird stories in the news today. Sometimes, I guess, things are like that. For instance, a 99-year-old man is divorcing his 96-year-old wife of 77 years because he just discovered that she had an affair in the 1940s; a man in China spent $16,000 on a virtual sword for...
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“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to...
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I would be amiss in my duties if I didn’t report on the death of Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s portly communist leader, who never failed to get a kick out making the rest of the world nervous. Sources close to the dead despot have confirmed that he “died with his sunglasses on.” He...
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I apologize for neglecting my column for the last few days, but much of my weekend was spent coping with a nasty stomach virus while a parade of idiots crashed around my home, howling drunkenly and trying gamely to destroy both my apartment and my marriage. I had to fire one of our Entertainment...
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It’s heartening to watch 10,000+ people surround and push back riot police, all of whom look just about scared enough to shit. That’s the scene that I just watched moments ago from Occupy Portland. I’ll tell you: it’s getting hard to keep up, because there are now hundreds of pages and live video streams...
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Congress passed a bill on Friday that would cripple the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in the name of good business and profits; it will undoubtedly be defeated in the Senate—and barring that, the White House has threatened to veto it. I would like to say that the president vowed to stomp all over this...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
