Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
UPDATE: Mental Illness Redux – Behaviorist Mike Samsa Responds. I was having a heated discussion today about the somewhat contrived nature of modern psychology – at least fringe psychology. You see, as I understand things (with said understandings relatively biased and, I’ll admit, somewhat limited in an overall general way, so definitely...
Read More »
Editor’s Note: I’ve always been a big fan of Jello Biafra and the Dead Kennedys. It makes me happy to know that he is still fighting political injustice after all these years. My blue IBM Selectric II typewriter has a “Jello Biafra for President” sticker on it, and I don’t think that’s a bad...
Read More »
Today is the one-year anniversary of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Many people believe that OWS ended—was crushed, really—months ago; they think that it never survived the winter. Those people haven’t been paying attention. Occupy Wall Street has grown, although it has become so commonplace that it no longer receives media attention … but...
Read More »
There’s a couple of videos that have been floating around recently that have gone viral and caused quite a stir. They’ve garnered much attention in the local Minnesota media, but the rest of the nation is beginning to take notice. The first video shows a St. Paul police officer kicking a man in the...
Read More »
The New York Civil Liberties Union has released a free smartphone app that will allow users to record and report incidents of police brutality and stop-and-frisk activity. Naturally, the NYPD lost its shit when they heard about it; they said that the application might prove useful for criminals … or perhaps it would just...
Read More »
My head is throbbing. I have a cold, my allergies have gone berserk, and I’ve had far too much coffee in the last couple of days. Summer is almost upon us and I’ve been working on adjusting my schedule. By nature, I’m nocturnal—but with the onset of beautiful weather, there simply is no good...
Read More »
I just got done reading an interesting story about a man in Utah named Daniel Suelo who hasn’t made or spent so much as a penny in twelve years; instead, he lives in caves and forages for food. Apparently, he’s happy. Anyone who reads this column knows how I feel about our antiquated monetary...
Read More »
Even now, Newt Gingrich still refuses to admit that it’s over. According to some, he’s “hinted” that he might drop out of the race this week when he gets beaten stupid in the Delaware primary later tonight. “I think we need to take a deep look at what we are doing,” Gingrich told NBC...
Read More »
It’s been a while since we reported on any new developments with the Occupy Wall Street movement. Many people think that OWS is over and has been for some time; on the contrary, the only thing that has been lacking is media coverage. It’s easy to forget about something when you don’t hear about...
Read More »
Poor old Newt Gingrich just doesn’t want to give up and admit that his campaign is over. Even after laying off a third of his staff, cutting back on travel, and meeting with the only ten people who have endorsed him (and hearing their doubts about the viability of his campaign), he is unwilling...
Read More »
I’d like to say that I’ve been neglecting my column and my responsibilities as the editor & publisher of this magazine because I’ve been busy with my next three books—or even a short story—but the truth is, I’ve been dividing my time pretty evenly between gutting my apartment and immersing myself in the nightmare...
Read More »
It seems that the federal government is once again throwing away money on shit that no one needs—this time they are doling out billions of dollars in grants for small rural towns to purchase tanks and other armored vehicles … “just in case.” In case of what? In case a fight breaks out at...
Read More »
The saddest news of the day is that Davy Jones, the lead singer of The Monkees, has died of a heart attack at 66. While The Monkees was never meant to be a “serious” band, they sold 50 million records and many of us have fond memories of watching their television show and listening...
Read More »
It’s been hectic in the world of politics since I checked in last. I got hung up re-designing this site and have taken on a couple of editing assignments, all of which demands most of my time. But what the hell, right? It’s the weekend—Super Bowl weekend—and I thought that I’d crank out a...
Read More »
I wish Stephen Colbert really would run in 2012. I’m also disappointed in Roseanne Barr, who announced her “twofer” campaign months ago—and while she’s gained a small following as the only decent candidate in the race, hardly anyone outside of these weird Internet circles has even heard the good news. As for Colbert, he...
Read More »
“There is all the difference in the world between the criminal’s avoiding the public eye and the civil disobedience between an open violation of the law, performed in public, and a clandestine one is so glaringly obvious that it can be neglected only by prejudice or ill will.” -Hannah Arendt “The First Amendment...
Read More »
It’s Saturday and it’s finally snowing here in Minnesota—and it’s about as cold as a goddamned icebox outside. A few days ago it was sixty degrees and the golf courses were open; apparently our lucky streak is over—for now. While I watch my car disappear under a blanket of white, I have a lot...
Read More »
Well, so much for Rick Santorum’s surge. He came in a dismal fifth place in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, behind even Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney won, of course, followed by Ron Paul and … Jon Huntsman? Weird. Now, at least, we know who the new “flavor of the week” is—and this latest...
Read More »
We’re already seven days into the New Year and I’ve barely talked about the Occupy Wall Street movement. Perhaps it’s because the whole thing is easy to forget in the face of the hectic holiday season; or maybe it’s because the mainstream media only mentions OWS in passing—even as the revolution grows and continues...
Read More »
The City Pages reported on Wednesday that overall, our elected officials are much better off financially than we are—particularly Republicans (Minnesota’s four House Republicans have an average net worth of $1,413,752; in comparison, the four House Democrats have an average net worth of just $292,999). Yes, members of Congress are worth over nine times...
Read More »
Okay, now the holidays are finally over. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, but we’re officially into 2012 and we can begin to look forward to spring and tax season. Not everyone gets excited about taxes—in fact, many loathe the April 15 deadline—but I’m married and have two children, so I always feel...
Read More »
In my column on 12-16-2011, I reported that I had finally gotten sick and tired of putting up with Wells Fargo and that I was closing my account and moving my money to a local credit union. Well … today I finally did. I encourage all of my readers to go to the Move...
Read More »
“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to...
Read More »
I would be amiss in my duties if I didn’t report on the death of Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s portly communist leader, who never failed to get a kick out making the rest of the world nervous. Sources close to the dead despot have confirmed that he “died with his sunglasses on.” He...
Read More »
Last month, the people behind the Occupy Wall Street movement called for citizens of the United States to support Main Street by moving their money from large banks to small, local credit unions. There is a website—Move Your Money—dedicated to helping people do this. I’m ashamed to say that with all of my good...
Read More »
For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
