Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Here’s a bit of mildly interesting mélange of events for you. First, it goes without saying that the Citizens United decision gets smellier the longer it remains unflushed in the toilet of our legislative process. My opinion, for what it’s worth, is that the largest businesses should be recognized as part of the legislative...
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Lab Rats. I hate to admit it, but the last couple weeks or so, I’ve been hit with the baby bug . . . I know, Tom. I know. Hwaat!? Don’t trip. I don’t understand it myself. I mean . . . I don’t even LIKE kids let alone want one . . . at least...
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Congrats dear readers/my lovely flying monkeys, Minnesotans have voted no on both amendments. So now I, your gracious columnist, is not prohibited from marrying whoever I want and I don’t need to show a current ID to vote. So go you, dear readers! Star Wars has been sold, Barack Obama has been re-elected! Anything...
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Watching the vice presidential debate on Thursday evening was refreshing after Butterfinger Obama’s disappointing performance last week. The president behaved like a three-toed sloth that had been drugged with Halcion, while Joe Biden smirked and sneered and called his opponent a lying skunk every chance he got. There were a few moments when I...
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Stanley stood quietly drinking a lemonade and staring at the dead Hutterite man lying on his front step. He was sprawled out on his back with an arrow sticking out of his chest. Stanley wondered if he could tell time off of it. He also wondered where the body had come from. He figured...
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There’s a couple of videos that have been floating around recently that have gone viral and caused quite a stir. They’ve garnered much attention in the local Minnesota media, but the rest of the nation is beginning to take notice. The first video shows a St. Paul police officer kicking a man in the...
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It’s hard to believe that another summer is over—even though it’s still 95 degrees here in Minnesota—and that school is in session, the beaches are closed, and winter is on its way. It’s also hard to deal with the fact that I’ve written almost nothing this year, but I still have a few months...
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Dear readers of Secret Laboratory, Do you have sex and or relationship woes? Does Dan Savage never return your calls or answer your emails? I am respectfully here to take some of that work off of Mr. Savage’s hands. Shoot me an email at nicktschida@secretlaboratory.org and I’d be happy to answer any and all questions. Nick...
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So there is a video for this, but when I was playing it “Goddamnit” came out of my mouth so much I feared that I’d be cursed. I will instead talk of it, and you can watch me suffer. Imagine vulgarity every time the screen gets staticy. …and no, I did not cry like...
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Fall is in the air here in Minnesota—it has been for the last week or so. I know better than to assume that the raging heat of summer is over—we won’t see the last of that until September has come and gone—but at the moment, it’s 58 degrees outside and there’s a pleasant breeze....
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Since my last article, my life has gone through some drastic changes. I moved to a new town, was screwed out of the job I was promised, learned how to juggle my son’s time with his father now that distance is a factor, dealt with some awful financial issues, graduated from the “honeymoon phase”...
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The 2012 Summer Olympics have been underway for a week now—and I have watched not one minute of them. No one here at Secret Laboratory has reported on them either, which is a painful reminder that our Sports Department is not what it should be. But so what? You get what you pay for,...
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Facing a surprisingly tough re-election campaign, White House insiders have hinted at an October Surprise that may truly be out of this world. If nearly 90 percent employment, the ordering of the murder of Osama Bin Laden, and his amazing ability to orate won’t convince the people to keep Obama in office, they say...
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In May 2011, the Minnesota State Legislature voted to put a constitutional amendment on the 2012 ballots in Minnesota that will read: “Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as marriage in Minnesota?” Minnesotans, please VOTE NO this...
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Editor’s Note: What happened in Colorado today is a horrible and utterly senseless tragedy. It isn’t funny. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families. This column isn’t so much about this specific event as it is inspired by it. We’ll leave the real coverage to more reputable news sources. The following...
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Anyone who hasn’t been living in a subterranean ice castle will no doubt have realized by now that it’s hot outside. Not just hot – really, really fucking hot. Oppressively hot. Sweat pooling in your undies hot. And there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight, as CNN reports that the US has...
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President Obama’s campaign, for the most part, has been negative against Romney so far. I wish he would return to running a positive campaign like he did in 2008 against McCain. Hope and change never go out of style! –Tom Bullington, National Affairs Correspondent Political analysis–from a car! Campaign in a Car is a discussion of...
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Do we really need political parties in the United States? They seem to further divide our country and candidates must adopt their party’s platform before getting money or political support. We don’t need parties in local elections – why can’t we get rid of them in other races, such as state legislature, Congress and...
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Editor’s Note: This is not one of my typical columns; it is an example of an online dating profile. I think I’ll use it. Fuck it. This is just where my head is at these days. Have you noticed that as we make more and more technological advances, we become lazier and less likely...
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This weekend the residents of Ogdensburg, NY held their annual Border Clash marathon, and a fine time was had by all participants, volunteers and viewers. But that’s where the list ends. I say that because at the end of the race in the runners’ wake there was left (along with the typical trail of...
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It’s about a thousand-fucking-degrees here in Minnesota—but that’s okay, because I’m safely holed up in my apartment, imagining the little wheel on the electric meter turn at a frantic pace while the air conditioners work overtime. The baseball game is on and I’m considering walking across the street to the gas station to buy...
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Editor’s Note: Our Gaming editor, Josh Flaherty, shares this video on AniMinneapolis, 2012. Josh Flaherty is an independent game designer from Minneapolis, MN and owner of Queuethulu Games LLC. He has worked on independent video games since 2003 and is passionate about the art of games, unique stories, and long walks down dark alleys. Visit...
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The alarm clock began buzzing at six-thirty Saturday morning, and I was wrestling with the bed sheet to let me free. I dashed to the windows which overlooked my back yard – it was like some twisted version of Christmas morning, and I was the eager child wondering what Santa might have left for...
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It’s 2:30 am on a Tuesday morning, and here I sit at my computer, unable to sleep. All around me, my possessions are packed away into cardboard boxes, sealed shut with zebra striped masking tape to take some of the monotony out of the moving process, and yet all I see is the sad,...
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This is not an anti-gay article, I myself am a gay dude and a game designer. I’m just here today as ‘Gay Pride Month’ draws to a close to let everyone they’ve been playing with gay characters in video games for years. From Super Mario Bros 2 and on we’ve had countless LGBT characters,...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
