Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
It’s hard to believe that another summer is over—even though it’s still 95 degrees here in Minnesota—and that school is in session, the beaches are closed, and winter is on its way. It’s also hard to deal with the fact that I’ve written almost nothing this year, but I still have a few months...
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“There is all the difference in the world between the criminal’s avoiding the public eye and the civil disobedience between an open violation of the law, performed in public, and a clandestine one is so glaringly obvious that it can be neglected only by prejudice or ill will.” -Hannah Arendt “The First Amendment...
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So much for the snow. On Saturday, we got an inch—maybe—and it’s all gone again. I woke up on the couch yesterday afternoon with the sunshine streaming in through the open patio door. This has to be the best winter that I’ve ever seen here in Minnesota … … but not for everyone. My...
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I have to admit that I’m surprised. The way Congress has been behaving for the last year, I thought for sure that they would just go ahead and let the payroll tax cut expire—but apparently John Boehner decided that he didn’t want to see his approval rating slip from an already dismal 9% into...
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“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to...
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I received my v2 electronic cigarette today after waiting feverishly for it all week. (I ordered it late Monday night—I guess I’m just impatient.) My wife remains skeptical while my daughter proclaimed that it is “cool”; as for me, I think I’m sold. One of the main advantages of eCigs is that they’re safe...
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The Vikings fooled us again: they were ahead until the bitter end—and then in the last minute of the final quarter, they were beaten stupid by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, losing 24 – 20. So, I changed the channel and checked on the Twins, who were leading the Cleveland Indians 3 – 1. I...
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It’s 4:30 on Saturday afternoon and I’ve just now sat down at this machine to crank out some wisdom. I was awake until five o’clock in the morning, back up at ten, spent four hours cleaning the house, took a shower, and then fought to unclog the bathroom sink. The kids are tired and...
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September is here and it’s about a hundred-fucking-degrees outside. As much as I enjoy summer, I’ll be glad when fall finally arrives and decides to stay. I know that soon enough I will be cursing the snow and plotting my move to California, but what else is new? My daughter starts fourth grade on...
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Republicans and Democrats are arguing over spending once again, this time about what to do with the mess on the East Coast in the wake of Hurricane Irene. You see, FEMA is just about out of money and the Republicans don’t want to give them any more unless it can be offset by cutting...
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The biggest news by far is the arrival of Hurricane Irene, which is scheduled to batter the East Coast over the weekend before fizzling out and sparing the Canadians sometime around Tuesday. Those poor buggers out East just can’t catch a break—first they were “startled” and “unnerved” by that earthquake and now they’re all...
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I suppose that I should say something about Libya; but frankly, I just don’t give a damn. It’s hard to get jazzed about a revolution in a shitty little country halfway around the world, even if it has to do with the downfall of a screwball like Moammar Gadhafi. He’s been in power for...
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We have only a few days left until the United States defaults on its financial obligations, potentially plunging us into one of the worst economic disasters that we’ve ever seen. 1929 was a bad year … and so was 2008 … but what about 2011? It’s hard to fathom anything being as awful as...
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Minnesota continues to be embarrassed every day by nitwits like Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann, both of whom think that raising the debt ceiling is unnecessary—only pay certain bills, only pay the interest, they say. Our state has been the butt of many jokes, but so far this one is the worst. Even John...
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When I got home last night, I sat down with my wife and watched President Obama’s address; I even watched John Boehner get up there afterwards, causing me to howl and throw beer cans at my television set. Boehner said this: “The president has often said we need a ‘balanced’ approach, which in Washington...
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Representatives Barney Frank (D-Mass.) and Ron Paul (R-Texas) have introduced a bill that would remove marijuana from the list of federally-controlled substances—in essence, letting individual states decide whether or not to allow its citizens to grow and use the popular drug. There isn’t a chance in hell that this thing will get by the...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
