Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
The 2012 Summer Olympics have been underway for a week now—and I have watched not one minute of them. No one here at Secret Laboratory has reported on them either, which is a painful reminder that our Sports Department is not what it should be. But so what? You get what you pay for,...
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I quit Netflix yesterday, having realized that I was spending an extraordinary amount of time watching nothing useful at all. I mean, complete shit. I’m not even sure how many prison shows I’ve seen, or documentaries on gangs like the Bloods and the Crips. For hours, I’d sit here like a slack-jawed idiot, learning...
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The biggest news of the day is that the 1st U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Boston ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act (DoMA) is unconstitutional. According to MSNBC: The appeals court agreed with a lower court judge who ruled in 2010 that the law is unconstitutional because it interferes with the right of a...
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President Obama finally came out and admitted yesterday that he supports same-sex marriage, an issue that he’s been dancing around for years. It’s a risky business to say such a thing just six months away from the general election, but perhaps the president got a whiff of the political climate and decided that he’d...
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A man in New Jersey wired his 10-year-old autistic son for sound and sent him to school, where there had been complaints that the child was “violent,” which was apparently uncharacteristic for him. The results were shocking. It turns out that the child was being bullied by staff, who called him a “bastard,” among...
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Advertisers and radio stations alike are dropping Rush Limbaugh’s show like a hot potato because of his recent decision to call Sandra Fluke a “slut” and “prostitute” after she appeared before members of Congress advocating the wider availability of contraceptives. I’ve received a lot of emails about this—and there is a petition circulating asking his advertisers to...
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The saddest news of the day is that Davy Jones, the lead singer of The Monkees, has died of a heart attack at 66. While The Monkees was never meant to be a “serious” band, they sold 50 million records and many of us have fond memories of watching their television show and listening...
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The City Pages hit newsstands yesterday; in it is an article entitled “Tea Party Princess,” a profile of former Saturday Night Live “star,” Victoria Jackson. Apparently—and I didn’t know this—Jackson’s signature bubble-brained act that she put on was just her being herself. It really is worth checking out. Jackson, whose career has been in...
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January 18 was “blackout day” and it was a success. Many popular sites—including this one—went dark in protest of the pending SOPA/PIPA acts, which are attempting to slither their way into law. Major news sources are now reporting that many former supporters of this legislation are changing their tune after being inundated with letters,...
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It’s Saturday and it’s finally snowing here in Minnesota—and it’s about as cold as a goddamned icebox outside. A few days ago it was sixty degrees and the golf courses were open; apparently our lucky streak is over—for now. While I watch my car disappear under a blanket of white, I have a lot...
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Well, so much for Rick Santorum’s surge. He came in a dismal fifth place in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, behind even Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney won, of course, followed by Ron Paul and … Jon Huntsman? Weird. Now, at least, we know who the new “flavor of the week” is—and this latest...
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Watching yesterday’s Republican debates on Meet the Press made it even more obvious than it already was who the nominee will be—namely, Mitt Romney. He was the only man on stage who I could even picture running in a general election, while Newt Gingrich only interrupted his sulking long enough for short, fiery bursts...
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We’re already seven days into the New Year and I’ve barely talked about the Occupy Wall Street movement. Perhaps it’s because the whole thing is easy to forget in the face of the hectic holiday season; or maybe it’s because the mainstream media only mentions OWS in passing—even as the revolution grows and continues...
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The City Pages reported on Wednesday that overall, our elected officials are much better off financially than we are—particularly Republicans (Minnesota’s four House Republicans have an average net worth of $1,413,752; in comparison, the four House Democrats have an average net worth of just $292,999). Yes, members of Congress are worth over nine times...
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Well, another busy Christmas season is over. We still have New Year’s Eve to grapple with, but we’ll worry about that later. As usual, my children did very well for themselves and my wife and I got some nice things, too. I took a couple of days off from writing my column and worrying...
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Last month, the people behind the Occupy Wall Street movement called for citizens of the United States to support Main Street by moving their money from large banks to small, local credit unions. There is a website—Move Your Money—dedicated to helping people do this. I’m ashamed to say that with all of my good...
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I apologize for neglecting my column for the last few days, but much of my weekend was spent coping with a nasty stomach virus while a parade of idiots crashed around my home, howling drunkenly and trying gamely to destroy both my apartment and my marriage. I had to fire one of our Entertainment...
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The movement, Occupy Wall Street, has been underway for nearly two weeks—and despite the number of people who are involved and the stunning footage coming out of Manhattan, there has been very little coverage in the mainstream media; in fact, there has been such little coverage that I just recently heard that it was...
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Congress passed a bill on Friday that would cripple the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in the name of good business and profits; it will undoubtedly be defeated in the Senate—and barring that, the White House has threatened to veto it. I would like to say that the president vowed to stomp all over this...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
