Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Chronic pain can make your life completely miserable, sometimes even unbearable. I deal with moderate to severe pain on a daily basis and there have been times that I didn’t think I could live another day. I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Restless Leg Syndrome, and severe early onset osteoarthritis. Just imagine having the worst flu...
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Gut-wrenching fear struck me as I looked at the name that popped up on my phone, Deanna Deanna. The name was supposed to only say Deanna, but apparently I had a brain fart the day I entered my Aunt Deanna’s name into my contact list. Just seeing her name once was a enough to...
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Sometimes everyone needs a break from something they love. For me it’s been a break from writing – I haven’t touched my personal blog in months and have just reposted some older ones for Secret Laboratory. I even put my book on the back burner for a bit. Not that I am too busy...
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I did something the other day that completely pissed off my husband, I bought a rat. An adorable rat that I named Henri, who was doomed to become snake food. I can blame this on my addiction to garage saling because that is what started it all. I came across a cool, small animal...
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Bacon and sausage are traditional foods to consume during breakfast for people who eat meat. But did you know that eating two slices of bacon, or one piece of sausage a day can increase your risk of developing pancreatic cancer by 19 percent? It’s true, a study out of the beautiful country of Sweden...
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A change in lifestyle often happens not because of a want or a need, but because of an unforeseen condition. Such is the case with me. My life has changed dramatically because of my diagnosis with Fibromyalgia and the beginning signs of Rheumatoid arthritis. I have good days and bad days because of the...
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Standing in the bathroom of a local Mexican joint, I watched my daughter pee on a pregnancy stick. This wasn’t the first time she has had a scare, so I wasn’t too worried. Besides, we were having margaritas with friends, so she needed to hurry up and get a negative. I was sure she...
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Saying goodbye to my Dad while he was lying on a cold, hard slab was one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. He had only been gone for a couple of hours, but the coldness had already crept into his whole being. I held his hand anyhow while the tears...
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I have always wanted a hot tub for aches and pains even before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Soaking in hot water is pretty much better than sex and I have been searching for an affordable alternative for years. I have come across many Web sites that show how to build a hot tub...
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Have you ever called someone on accident from your cell phone and not realized it? Of course you have, who hasn’t? According to the Urban Dictionary the term butt dial is “to phone a friend accidentally using ones buttocks. Usually this is a result of sitting on the phone” (Urban, 2012). I don’t know...
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Bright and shiny, the little 1995 Corsica was calling my name, “buy me, buy me”. It was the cutest car on the lot and would be our very first brand, new car in ten years of marriage. MY hubby and I were so excited. Every car that we owned prior to that was used....
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Massage Etiquette As a professional Massage Therapist, I see bizarre things at my salon all the time. Getting nude in front of a stranger is a weird situation, and most people just plain don’t know how to behave. Maybe some of you are new and are unsure of the protocol. Perhaps you are an...
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My husband is one of those guys who can’t go to sleep without his wife at his side. I guess I provide comfort and make him feel sleepy. Usually I lay there till he falls asleep, then I get up and find something to do since I can’t sleep anyhow. A couple of weeks...
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Have you ever given much though to how you want to be disposed of? I suppose that sounds morbid, so let’s try this, how you would like to be buried? Better yet, how much would like to spend on your funeral? The National Funeral Director’s Association tells us that in 2009, the average cost...
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A few years ago my daughter Amber told me she was going to be in a play called the Vagina Monologues. The Vagina Monologues is by Eve Enlser and consists of several monologues that help bring about awareness and raise money for women and girls of abuse. I still had absolutely no clue what...
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For health reasons my husband has been after me to start implementing gluten-free into our diet. Since I love bread, it’s not as easy as it sounds, especially cost-wise. Gluten-free bread at the store costs anywhere from $5 on up. Not exactly in our price range for a loaf of bread. So I did...
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I have never been fond of going to the doctor or the emergency room when something happens to myself. This is not because I am afraid of the doctor, but because I am frugal. Take for example my last little trip to the ER. The entire thing plus hospital stay ended up costing over...
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I have been told on numerous occasions that I am the cheapest person on the planet. For the most part, I have always taken this as a compliment. We are not rich and what money we have we work damn hard for. Now with my illness, Fibromyalgia, we are basically living on one income. ...
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The term pink slime kind of reminds one of the green slime that was poured on contestants on an old kid’s show, not an additive in a fast food hamburger. Yet it was announced the other day that McDonald’s was no longer going to add pink slime to its burgers after a health campaign...
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Almost every American home has a microwave oven and uses it on a daily basis. Microwave ovens have been around since the 1940s, although much larger than the ones today. For years my husband has been threatening to throw my microwave away because of the health dangers associated with them; in fact, Russia even...
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2011 was a year of transition for my life, both good and bad. Life changes though and embracing those transformations makes us stronger. That’s what I like to think anyhow. My positive attitude has got me through many times over the years and will continue to do so for many more to come. Actually,...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
