Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
That’s exactly what he said when I showed him this picture; and while he might have wondered why anyone would marry a Megalodon shark, he kept his curiosity to himself. Apparently, you don’t ask too many questions when someone is paying you $200 an hour; instead, you just start drawing up papers and making...
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UPDATE: Mental Illness Redux – Behaviorist Mike Samsa Responds. I was having a heated discussion today about the somewhat contrived nature of modern psychology – at least fringe psychology. You see, as I understand things (with said understandings relatively biased and, I’ll admit, somewhat limited in an overall general way, so definitely...
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Here’s a bit of mildly interesting mélange of events for you. First, it goes without saying that the Citizens United decision gets smellier the longer it remains unflushed in the toilet of our legislative process. My opinion, for what it’s worth, is that the largest businesses should be recognized as part of the legislative...
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I’ve never been more interested in politics than I have been during this, the 2012 election season. I thank the Best of the Left Podcast and all of its contributors for that, because the mass media propaganda that is spewed from the mouths and the printers of our biggest national news correspondents is paid for...
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It seems that the federal government is once again throwing away money on shit that no one needs—this time they are doling out billions of dollars in grants for small rural towns to purchase tanks and other armored vehicles … “just in case.” In case of what? In case a fight breaks out at...
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I have to admit that I’m surprised. The way Congress has been behaving for the last year, I thought for sure that they would just go ahead and let the payroll tax cut expire—but apparently John Boehner decided that he didn’t want to see his approval rating slip from an already dismal 9% into...
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Rick Perry prayed for guidance before his latest campaign event. Answering an audience member’s question regarding the role that prayer plays in his life, the candidate said, “Well, I prayed right before I walked over here that I wouldn’t make any mistakes that my friends in the media would be able to put on...
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“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt “The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to...
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I would be amiss in my duties if I didn’t report on the death of Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s portly communist leader, who never failed to get a kick out making the rest of the world nervous. Sources close to the dead despot have confirmed that he “died with his sunglasses on.” He...
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I apologize for neglecting my column for the last few days, but much of my weekend was spent coping with a nasty stomach virus while a parade of idiots crashed around my home, howling drunkenly and trying gamely to destroy both my apartment and my marriage. I had to fire one of our Entertainment...
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I’ve always enjoyed Adam Carolla’s brand of humor—especially when he was hosting Love Line with Dr. Drew Pinsky—but his opinion regarding the Occupy Wall Street protests is repugnantly small minded. He has called them “fucking self-entitled monsters” and “self-entitled pricks who think the world owes them a living.” Mr. Carolla is referring to the...
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Massachusetts’ Attorney General Martha Coakley has filed suit against Bank of America, Wells Fargo, JP Morgan Chase, Citigroup and GMAC, charging that they foreclosed illegally on homes in the state and used deceptive loan servicing practices, including robo-signing. According to an article on MSNBC’s website: “The 50 state attorneys general had been trying to negotiate a settlement with...
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I’ve all but given up on my local papers—I stack the print editions next to my toilet and then throw them away once a week or so—and television is a waste of time, except for MSNBC, perhaps. Today, I get most of my news from YouTube and the Occupy Wall Street website, preferring to...
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Most people don’t understand the importance of today; they think of it as Veterans’ Day—which is a fine thing, I suppose—but it’s not quite the same thing as Armistice Day. What’s worse, is the people who are celebrating tonight simply because the date lines up like so: 11-11-11. Well … so what? Last year...
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The Republicans had another debate tonight, this time in Michigan. As usual, Rick Perry made a fool of himself; but to his credit, he at least appeared to be somewhat sober. Herman Cain, who had hoped after Tuesday to be finished discussing his reputation as a pervert and a boor, found himself once again...
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Just today, there have been many new developments with regards to the Occupy Wall Street movement—which is hardly surprising, since the thing just keeps rolling right along. I’ve devoted a lot of coverage to it since it started—and I’m not going to stop. This is the most important thing going on in the world...
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Barack Obama is at it again, making grand speeches and promises that he can’t keep. The president’s remarks at the G-20 summit were laughable at best; at worst, they were dishonest and cruel. It’s time for politicians to stop trying to maintain the status quo—folks just aren’t buying it anymore. All the world leaders...
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First of all, I’d like to apologize for neglecting my column for the last week. I’d like to think that there are plenty of people out there who have missed me; whether or not that’s true remains to be seen. As I said on October 29, this site is undergoing a transformation of sorts....
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I’ve been tinkering with this site for the last few days, adding pages and more features. Hopefully by early next week, I will be changing hosts and registering a new domain name—and along with that, will come even more changes. I originally built Secret Laboratory as a way to promote my books; but now,...
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It’s Saturday afternoon—a beautiful fall day. Now that I’m done working (and am still a couple of hours away from any major chores), I thought that I’d drink a couple of these Samuel Adams Octoberfest beers and crank out some wisdom. Not a hell of a lot has changed since last night. I’ve watched...
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Herman Cain has adjusted his 9-9-9 plan so it would be slightly more palatable to … well … to anyone. Republicans and Democrats alike have called it ludicrous ever since he stole the ill-conceived proposal from a video game; in fact, the only people who thought that it was a good idea were those...
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Well, the world is tearing itself apart today, as tens of thousands of protesters demonstrate and riot in the streets. October 15 marks a global uprising in almost 1,000 cities spanning 82 countries. For the most part, these occupations have remained peaceful; however, Rome is on fire and has been flooded with tear gas....
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I’m not writing the column tonight that I thought I would; specifically, I’m not writing about mass arrests in New York City and the eviction of protesters from Zuccotti Park. One of the main reasons for this revolution is the number of people who have been made victims of predatory lending and subsequently forced...
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Peace officers all over the country continue to show who they “protect & serve”—and it isn’t the people of this fine nation; rather, it is the 1% grifter class. Last night, at least 100 protesters were arrested in Boston for simply refusing to disperse when night fell. Perhaps the Boston PD doesn’t realize what...
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I realize that it was somewhat of a shock when Chris Christie said once again that he’s not running for president, goddamnit, and why do you people keep hounding me?—but I was positively floored to learn that Sarah Palin isn’t going to throw her hat into the ring. No, that’s a lie. I’ve been...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
