Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Imagine, if you will, that you own your own home. You’ve decided after living there about fifteen years that you don’t necessarily enjoy the company of the water cooler-sized rats that have taken up residence in the walls and basement, especially since they’re always snatching food off of you and never replacing it. We...
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It’s been hectic in the world of politics since I checked in last. I got hung up re-designing this site and have taken on a couple of editing assignments, all of which demands most of my time. But what the hell, right? It’s the weekend—Super Bowl weekend—and I thought that I’d crank out a...
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Well, so much for Rick Santorum’s surge. He came in a dismal fifth place in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, behind even Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney won, of course, followed by Ron Paul and … Jon Huntsman? Weird. Now, at least, we know who the new “flavor of the week” is—and this latest...
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I was somewhat amazed during last night’s presidential debate to see Newt Gingrich blow his stack and start raving about “anti-Christian bigotry” when the moderators asked a series of questions regarding whether or not gay couples should be allowed to marry. Never mind. This doesn’t surprise me at all. Every one of those six...
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I would be amiss in my duties if I didn’t report on the death of Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s portly communist leader, who never failed to get a kick out making the rest of the world nervous. Sources close to the dead despot have confirmed that he “died with his sunglasses on.” He...
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By: Eric Melch In the early weeks of the 2011 season, the New Orleans Saints seemed to have pulled the right strings and found their way to picking up the free agent steal of the offseason, signing Darren Sproles after his time in San Diego. A strikingly similar running back, the much more...
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Major cities all across the U.S. are participating in the November 17 Occupy Wall Street Day of Action. As many as 35,000—perhaps more—citizens are protesting in New York City. I’ve added a couple of additional live feeds to the side of this page and have been following the action for most of the day....
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A song came on the radio tonight that I hadn’t heard in a while; it was Ted Nugent belting out “Stranglehold” and it made me think of simpler times when we had nothing better to do than smoke dope and polish the anarchy buttons on our black leather jackets. Life is infinitely more complicated...
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Herman Cain has adjusted his 9-9-9 plan so it would be slightly more palatable to … well … to anyone. Republicans and Democrats alike have called it ludicrous ever since he stole the ill-conceived proposal from a video game; in fact, the only people who thought that it was a good idea were those...
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The Minnesota Vikings actually won today, beating the Arizona Cardinals 34 – 10. Amazing. Recently, I’ve been saying things like, “Sorry I can’t come over—I’m gonna stay home and watch the Vikings lose.” It’s five o’clock and the house is quiet. There’s a pot of coffee on, a fridge full of beer, and sports...
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The Vikings fooled us again: they were ahead until the bitter end—and then in the last minute of the final quarter, they were beaten stupid by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, losing 24 – 20. So, I changed the channel and checked on the Twins, who were leading the Cleveland Indians 3 – 1. I...
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Rick Perry talks a good game, but let’s get down to brass tacks: according to one of his own state agencies, the Texas unemployment rate increased to 8.5% in August—the highest level in more than 24 years and more than twice the rate when Perry took office in December 2000. It’s hard to argue with...
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I wrote the following column yesterday; by the time I finished it, I was swollen like a toad from too much beer and food, leaving me too lazy to bother publishing it. Better late than never, right? As for today … well … it’s Monday. What else can I say? *** Without a doubt,...
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I viewed a pre-screening of the new movie, Contagion, last night in Edina, Minnesota. Despite starring Matt Damon and Kate Winslet, it was pretty good. There aren’t many films released nowadays that are even tolerable, but this one was. I wouldn’t recommend wasting your time seeing it in theatres, but it is worth adding...
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I don’t normally bother to write my column on the weekends—I don’t get much writing done at all—but I have a few spare minutes this evening while my wife and daughter shop for school supplies and a hot chicken dinner. My son is wearing his new coat and shoes while he watches Spongebob; I...
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September is here and it’s about a hundred-fucking-degrees outside. As much as I enjoy summer, I’ll be glad when fall finally arrives and decides to stay. I know that soon enough I will be cursing the snow and plotting my move to California, but what else is new? My daughter starts fourth grade on...
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Republicans and Democrats are arguing over spending once again, this time about what to do with the mess on the East Coast in the wake of Hurricane Irene. You see, FEMA is just about out of money and the Republicans don’t want to give them any more unless it can be offset by cutting...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
