Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
I’m a medical marijuana patient here in California; I like to share the FUN part of medicating with all of you! The marijuana & alcohol combo works wonders in relieving all my pains for … never mind, it’s all doctor approved, including the alcohol. It’s far less evil than all the opiate-based pain killers I...
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This past Friday, I walked into work with the usual expectation that I had absolutely no plans for the evening and next day. As a single lady in the city who has no one to report to but herself, I was pretty pleased when saw this as an opportunity to make a spontaneous trip...
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I discovered this evening that I’m right-legged. If you stand on one leg—just one leg—while you’re drinking 94-proof black rum (with a killer kraken on the bottle), you too will figure out which is your dominant leg. I’m not sure what any of this means—I couldn’t write with my right leg—but it must be...
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Early afternoon is an awful time for shiraz, though I’m not sure if it’s the time of day or the wine. Nasty stuff, really. With an aftertaste that only moderately hints of household cleaner (which I suppose could be blamed on my drinking mug, but I never clean that). The whole thing tastes of...
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Two Mankato pizza delivery drivers were robbed at gunpoint near downtown this Saturday night–and while the assailants were eventually apprehended, it raises questions among residents if these crimes would have even been attempted if we still had our favorite local vigilante. The pizza driver heists, the summer art walk defacings–these were all crimes where,...
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Author’s Note: This happened and was written back in 2009, but it doesn’t matter. All of it still holds true today. I didn’t really have anybody else read it, so I figured, why not share it now? So whatever you take out of this little tale, above all, just try and buy more stuff...
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The little green Dodge Neon was working overtime, barreling up U.S. Interstate 35 at about a hundred miles per hour. That’s a crude estimate on my part, because the speedometer’s needle was buried at eighty-five, and it had been since we left the rental agency. The car was shaking and making terrible rattling noises,...
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I would be amiss in my duties if I didn’t report on the death of Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s portly communist leader, who never failed to get a kick out making the rest of the world nervous. Sources close to the dead despot have confirmed that he “died with his sunglasses on.” He...
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The Occupy Wall Street website was down for a number of days—I don’t know why and there has been no mention anywhere of an interruption—but I checked moments ago and it is once again live. Even with progressive news sources such as RT America and MSNBC, it is easy to lose track of the...
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I’ve always enjoyed Adam Carolla’s brand of humor—especially when he was hosting Love Line with Dr. Drew Pinsky—but his opinion regarding the Occupy Wall Street protests is repugnantly small minded. He has called them “fucking self-entitled monsters” and “self-entitled pricks who think the world owes them a living.” Mr. Carolla is referring to the...
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Aaron Schmidt, an 18-year-old student from South Dakota, hopped on a bus and joined the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City. Eventually, his family tracked him down and he has returned to his hometown in Wisconsin, where he is working on having the governor tarred and feathered … … which hardly matters,...
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Just today, there have been many new developments with regards to the Occupy Wall Street movement—which is hardly surprising, since the thing just keeps rolling right along. I’ve devoted a lot of coverage to it since it started—and I’m not going to stop. This is the most important thing going on in the world...
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It’s Saturday afternoon—a beautiful fall day. Now that I’m done working (and am still a couple of hours away from any major chores), I thought that I’d drink a couple of these Samuel Adams Octoberfest beers and crank out some wisdom. Not a hell of a lot has changed since last night. I’ve watched...
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I had the idea that I’d like to crank out a column tonight with my left hand. It’s Saturday night and we have company—just my wife’s friend so far, but that’s okay. I’m drowning myself in 16-ounce cans of Busch Light as usual; Megan is drinking Newcastle because she has expensive tastes; and Leeann...
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Congress passed a bill on Friday that would cripple the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in the name of good business and profits; it will undoubtedly be defeated in the Senate—and barring that, the White House has threatened to veto it. I would like to say that the president vowed to stomp all over this...
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It’s 4:30 on Saturday afternoon and I’ve just now sat down at this machine to crank out some wisdom. I was awake until five o’clock in the morning, back up at ten, spent four hours cleaning the house, took a shower, and then fought to unclog the bathroom sink. The kids are tired and...
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Saturday started innocently enough: Billy and I replaced a tie rod on my car. The part only cost twenty dollars, yet I’ve been putting it off for some time now. “That thing’s gonna break when you’re on the freeway and you’re gonna die,” he insisted. So we fixed it. Sunday was going to be...
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We used to joke about waking up broke, dirty, and confused, with only a dim notion that we had been up to no good the night before. You would think that by the time a person reaches their thirties, they would have left such frivolities behind … but not always. I don’t use drugs...
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It’s been a hectic week, but for all the right reasons. As you know, I’m on vacation, which is to say from at least one of my jobs—I’m still doing the other three—but two of them are part-time and the other one I do from my desk … so … yeah. Last Saturday night...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
