Secret Laboratory is a progressive publication that supports human rights and building a better future for mankind. We specialize in humor, satire, news analysis, and support indie authors. Maple Hills Press, a non-traditional publishing imprint, believes that all talented writers should have a platform for their work, whether it be on the Internet, in the eBook market, or in print.

We welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions; we also encourage writers to submit their work and for bloggers to re-publish their columns here. If you’re interested in joining our team, please visit our Submissions Page.

Correspondence may be directed to:
editor@secretlaboratory.org

Aside from all this, Secret Laboratory is also the official website and blog of John T. Schmitz, who uses his column as a platform to scream and beat his chest about whatever pops into his head. Mr. Schmitz has freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and the author of five books.

Visitors are encouraged to post their comments and leave their own rants & raves … but Mr. Schmitz will undoubtedly argue with anyone who contradicts him until they give up and go away.

Secret Laboratory, like JTS’s books, is more of a lampoon than anything else; if he can’t make you laugh, then he’s just not happy. Aside from being a prolific writer, political analyst, photographer, and humorist, Mr. Schmitz is a neurotic crank who lives in Minnesota with his son, Calvin.

Mr. Schmitz insists on being heavily armed whenever he leaves his home—“You just can’t take chances in times like these,” he says. “What if you see a bear? Or a garbage can?”

Our host enjoys any outdoor activity, as long as it involves alcohol, firearms, and/or explosives, all of which he has touted as “enormous fun, especially when enjoyed in tandem.”

Mr. Schmitz’s novels are available as both eBooks and in traditional print editions. He writes on a wide range of topics, his most popular being the Emmanuel Smith Mystery series, a tongue-in-cheek look at the life of a burned-out old detective living on the Pacific Coast.

Fans and foes alike are encouraged to e-mail Mr. Schmitz at editor@secretlaboratory.org.

Finally, he would like to remind you that he does not “get jiggy with it,” nor does he “holla.”

PUBLISHER’S STATEMENT

For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.

These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.

This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.

Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.

To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.

And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.

And ... meh.

—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org

Here’s Your Wisdom

Among many other roles, blogging has served as a laboratory in which a multitude of writers have experimented with the myriad possibilities of online self-expression.

—Scott Rosenberg

May you live in interesting times.

—ancient Chinese curse

Life goes on—even for those of us who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.

—Oscar Madison

All I ever ask of the women I date is that they be faithful to me & honest with me ... but then every time I turn around, they're cheating on me & lying about it....

—Ed

EDITOR’S COLUMN

"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

Technology

ABOUT US

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Secret Laboratory is an online entertainment magazine for Music, News, & Global Affairs; it is published in the USA by Maple Hills Press.

We welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions; we also encourage writers to submit their work and for bloggers to re-publish their columns here. If you're interested in joining our team, please visit our Submissions Page.

Correspondence may be directed to:
editor@secretlaboratory.org

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Masthead