Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Today is a day of love, chocolate, fancy dinners, jeweley, and sex with the lights on. Since I am your typical uppity diva, I generally demand a combination of 4 or more of the things listed above, but since this month’s fun money has already been pissed down the drain because of my addictions to shoe shopping and online porn, it looks like I will have to settle for a date night at home. After choosing the perfect boxed wine (i.e., whatever is the cheapest), my amazingly handsome, charming boyfriend and I will head out to the closest Redbox to argue over what to watch tonight.
Usually, a movie suggestion is just that; a suggestion. But lately, I’ve noticed that both he and I have been touting the virtues of movies we KNOW the other person would hate. It’s our passive-aggressive way of letting off steam over who forgot to wash our nasty fucking dishes. But there are other hidden messages that go along with our seemingly innocent suggestions. You just have to know the other person well enough to cut through the bull-shit and hear what they are really trying to say. For example:
-if I suggest any romantic comedy, it’s because today is the perfect day to watch one, and he owes me this much without whining like a small child.
-if he wants to see “Here Comes the Boom”, it’s because this day is annoying for him and he wants to at least get a laugh or two out of it while I impatiently tap my left finger and comment on how naked it feels.
-if I point out “The Help”, it’s because I am secretly pissed that he is unwilling to wear a fireman’s hat and suspenders to bed tonight.
-if he requests “The Expendables 2″, it’s because he is still mad that I ate the last Pop Tart for breakfast this morning.
-if I really, really want “Counter Punch”, you can bet that I am lying and am secretly hoping that lame movie will distract him from the copious amounts of wine and candy I plan on wolfing down while he is preoccupied.
-if he arbitrarily picks out “Frankenweenie”, it’s because he plans on spending the whole movie date on Facebook and thus could give two turtle shits what I am stuck watching.
-if I muse aloud that “Pitch Perfect” would genuinely be enjoyable for the both of us, it’s because I was misinformed by my lady friends. That movie is terrible.
-if he thinks “Magic Mike” is a good idea, you know that he doesn’t plan on us watching it for much longer than it takes for the men to disrobe. Apparently, that movie is Spanish Fly for straight chicks (and gay men).
-if I chose “House at the End of the Street”, it’s because my period came early and I am trying to put him off sex without having to tell him what’s going on down below.
-if either of us suggests “Seven Psychopaths”, it’s because we think the other person wants to see it, but we are not sure if WE want to see it.
-also, if either of us recommends “Flight”, it’s because we know that cheap wine gives us massive headaches and we will probably want to call it a night around 9:30.
So while we (and probably all couples who have been together longer than 4 months) do have our secret codes when it comes to movie suggestions, what will probably happen in the end is we rent either “Ted” or “21 Jump Street” for the millionth time, feed each other Bon-bons, snuggle and get shit faced on the couch while I try to weasel a neck rub out of him, all the while ogling Mila Kunis or Channing Tatum. What better way to spend Valentine’s Day than listening to dick jokes with the one you love?
Liliana Grace is Secret Laboratory‘s Women’s Affairs editor; her dream job would be sitting on her patio all day, drinking margaritas and alternating between reading and writing–and once she was sufficiently drunk, getting a massage from one of her several hot man servants. Visit Ms. Grace at http://ouischbabe7.blogspot.com/
Email Ms. Grace at firstname.lastname@example.org.