If Germany is known for one thing, it’s their unofficial motto of “Go big or go home.” Whether they are holding hateful pep rallies or improving on wiener schnitzel, they always take things to the next level. So it’s no surprise to anyone that the newest metal band to come from there is taking the world by storm. Sexy Bacon, founded in 2011 in Hamburg, has gained a following of over 100,000 friends on their official MySpace page, an impressive feat since no one has even used MySpace since the mid 2000′s.
“We just put our music out there, and people started to listen. After a few weeks, we were getting emails daily asking us to put on more songs,” says lead singer Swine Porksteen, who inexplicably speaks with a British accent. “And we were happy to oblige.”
Being an avid metal fan myself since birth, I can honestly say that their music is one of a kind. In every single song, between the dark pounding of the bass and the heavy staccato of drums, are short, perfunctory squeals and oinks injected randomly into the music, with no rhyme or reason. Aside from the name, there is no mention of pigs in the bands lyrics. The only hint is a cryptic skit on Track 7 where two farmers are discussing slaughtering season. Otherwise, the random noises peppered throughout their debut album, titled Slappin’ Hogs, go largely ignored by the performers.
Hearing the music may be one thing, but seeing it live is quite another. I am proud to announce that my overseas correspondent, also known as my pen-pal Hilda, has informed me that Sexy Bacon will begin its first-ever World Tour in early 2013. The Potbelly Pleasures Tour is scheduled to kick off its 2-year-long sojourn in Frankfurt, then travel all around the globe, to places like Iceland, Croatia, Nauru, and of course, Liechtenstein. They will arrive here in America in July of 2013 to play to a most certainly sold-out crowd in Newton, Massachusetts. From there they will make their way across the country, making stops in such powerhouse cities as Carmel, Indiana, Redmond, Washington, and McKinney, Texas. Sources close to the band assure me that the concert is indeed worthwhile, featuring showy theatrics such as parading a model wearing a bikini made of bacon as their mascot, and shooting boneless pork chops from a cannon into the audience. Their groupies, the self-dubbed “Spamlettes,” consist of men and women alike, all wearing skimpy clothes and riding Segways, and all weighing 250 pounds or more. Porksteen applauds his fans for their originality.
“Sexy Bacon is all about individuality, being yourself. These people are supporting our band in a totally unique way. They could have easily called themselves ‘The Baconators,’ but they went in a different direction, and their creativity speaks to me. Showing their flabby asses is just an added bonus.”
Indeed it is. So like the rest of you, I wait with baited breath until this summer when I can see these creative geniuses in person, and sample the pork tartare hors d’oeuvres and the Löwenbräu beer they will bring with them. Summer seems like an eternity away.
Liliana Grace
Liliana Grace is Secret Laboratory‘s Women’s Affairs editor; her dream job would be sitting on her patio all day, drinking margaritas and alternating between reading and writing–and once she was sufficiently drunk, getting a massage from one of her several hot man servants. Visit Ms. Grace at http://ouischbabe7.blogspot.com/
Email Ms. Grace at lilianagrace@secretlaboratory.org.
