Editor’s Note:

What happened in Colorado today is a horrible and utterly senseless tragedy. It isn’t funny. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families. This column isn’t so much about this specific event as it is inspired by it. We’ll leave the real coverage to more reputable news sources. The following article is aimed at making Americans realize that it may be in their own best interests to depend less on the police and more on themselves when it comes to protection. People ought to be able to go see a movie without worrying about getting killed–and no one here is to blame but the shooter, James Holmes–but in America, these things do occur and it is best to be prepared.

The latest Batman movie is bound to take a hit at the box office this weekend as it opens everywhere, mainly because some nut calling himself “The Joker” showed up at the midnight screening in Aurora, Colorado and … well … stole the show. He did this by shooting up the theater, killing 12 people and injuring at least 59 others.

The suspect, James Eagan Holmes, was reportedly “disappointed” that the store was out of green hair dye because so many other people wanted to look like The Joker this weekend; instead, he dyed his hair red and figured that he’d make up for it by gassing the theater before opening fire.

The Joker isn’t even in this movie. He’s dead. Remember?

In a cruel twist of fate, a la Final Destination, a sportswriter named Jessica Ghawi, who survived the June 2 mass shooting at a mall in Toronto, was killed by the gunman.

Yes, it took a story like this one to break my pattern of grotesque sloth and drive me back to this goddamned machine to crank out a little wisdom. And rather than jump from topic to topic like I normally do—I can think of a lot of shit that I’d like to skewer tonight—I’ll stick with just this one thing because it deserves all of my attention. The rest can wait … but not for long.

Holmes was armed with two .40-caliber Glock handguns, a Remington 870 single-barrel pump shotgun and a Smith & Wesson AR-15 assault-style rifle. These were all purchased legally, as Holmes has a clean record, and the AR-15 is going to be the one that most people focus on, I think. The thing to remember is that an AR-15 is a semi-automatic rifle that is no different than any other—and in fact, is far less dangerous than a deer rifle, in my opinion. Try shooting a deer with an AR-15 and watch it laugh at you while it walks away.

There’s so many news stories breaking on this tragedy right now that it’s enough to make your head spin. In my mind, the details are unimportant. And why do I bring up the AR-15? Well, because I fully expect this to turn into yet another brilliant bit of fodder for the gun-control crowd.

While the police arrived on the scene in less than two minutes and apprehended the suspect, I wonder what might have happened if one or more of the theater goers had been armed. I’m willing to bet that those horrific numbers—12 dead, 59 wounded—would have been much smaller. As it was, Holmes stalked about, shooting defenseless people like fish in a barrel.

Holmes is crazy; unfortunately, his record does not reflect that and he decided to go public with his lunacy in this rather grisly fashion. The fact is, anyone can lose their shit and go on a rampage, including police officers and members of the Armed Forces. Rather than banning guns or placing restrictions on things such as magazine capacity, perhaps we should recognize that the world is full of crazies and criminals—and with that in mind, we should stop depending on others to protect us and instead do it ourselves.

Stop being such a bunch of fucking pussies.

I recently watched a YouTube video of a staged abduction … and people watched it happen. I watched another video of an actual abduction attempt, only this time a “hero” kicked the man’s ass and held him for police. What he did was noble and brave, sure … but it shouldn’t be so farfetched that the media reacts as though his actions were preposterous. This is what should always happen, without exception.

In Chuck Palahniuk’s novel, Fight Club, he points out that average people will do almost anything to avoid getting into a fight. You might remember the scene from the movie. This is because the vast majority of Americans have no balls and allow themselves to be frightened by and preyed upon by overgrown bullies—and we all know that bullies are really just cowards.

(On a side note, I’d like to point out that Mr. Palahniuk published Fight Club, his first novel, in 1999—and it might as well be the manifesto of the Occupy Wall Street/99% crowd that we’re hearing so much from today. If you haven’t read it, you should.)

If you don’t know how to use a gun, then it’s about goddamned time you learned. And get yourself a permit and carry the fucking thing. Guns don’t solve all of our problems, but they can certainly help with the more serious ones, like when you’re getting robbed in an alley or murdered by someone who thinks that he’s a comic book villain.

I’ve never been victimized because I refuse to let it happen—and I certainly don’t depend on anyone else to protect me or fight my battles. I won’t shy away from a fight and I’ve never lost one in my life. I’ll draw against the drop, kick a man when he’s down, and take that knife/box cutter/whatever away from you and stick it right up your ass.

Whew! That’s enough chest beating for one night. But seriously, stop being such a bunch of fucking pussies.

Welcome to the weekend.

Here’s your wisdom:

 

John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his wife, Megan, and their two children; he is the author of five books.

Email Mr. Schmitz at editor@secretlaboratory.org.