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Occupy … the Tundra?

October 21, 2011
By
Herman Cain

"Trust me, America."

Herman Cain has adjusted his 9-9-9 plan so it would be slightly more palatable to … well … to anyone. Republicans and Democrats alike have called it ludicrous ever since he stole the ill-conceived proposal from a video game; in fact, the only people who thought that it was a good idea were those too dumb to comprehend what it really entailed. Under his new plan, the poorest American citizens would be exempt—but that still leaves a hell of a lot of people vulnerable to being fucked over by Mr. Cain’s brain-damaged policies.

He still doesn’t get it. He blames regulation for the crumbling of our nation’s cities.

The candidate said this: “When I look at this building behind me [referring to an abandoned train depot with broken windows and barbed wire], I see opportunity—if we get capital gains out of the way. There are a lot of people in this country that have money, and capital gains is a wall between people with money and people with ideas. Because taxes and regulations have gotten so bad, people with money don’t want to take risks.”

Bullshit. People with money want to hoard it. Taxes have gotten drastically lower for wealthy individuals and large corporations over the last three decades; during that time, we’ve seen massive layoffs, productivity go up, wages remain stagnant … and on the other side of the fence, CEOs’ salaries have increased by about 400% and profits have soared.

We Are The 99%

We Are The 99%

I’d also like to point out that it was Wall Street lobbying that led to wide-spread deregulation of the banking industry—and that led to the end of a 40-year economic growth period, which steadily spiraled out of control until the whole shithouse went up in flames in 2008.

Fuck Herman Cain. Some of his other brilliant ideas are abolishing minimum wage and busting up the unions—and if anyone thinks that’s going to be good for average, working-class Americans, well … shit … I just don’t know what to say. He also wants no capital gains or payroll taxes—and those are precisely the taxes that the 1% grifter class still has to pay. If Cain has his way, the only people paying any taxes in this country will be the ones doing all of the work—the 99%, as it were.

The man is a lunatic. He has gone so far as to call Social Security and the tax code “immoral” and “oppressive”; he says that they impose “involuntary servitude” and that the “system by its very nature discriminates against black men and women.”

One of the reasons that Herman Cain will not receive the Republican nomination is that 77% of the American people strongly disagree with just about everything that he says.

Muammar Gaddafi, dead

Muammar Gaddafi, dead

Herman Cain can’t even drum up support among African-Americans; he prefers instead to insult them: “African-Americans have been brainwashed” into voting for Democrats, he has said; he also took shots in his past writing at the NAACP, the Congressional Black Caucus, and “many of our so-called black leaders,” including then-Sen. Barack Obama.

And speaking of Obama, the president is trying to keep at least one of his campaign promises … namely, removing all of our troops from Iraq by the end of the year. Naturally, Republicans oppose this; they are convinced that as soon as we’re gone, the whole country and the ill-advised cardboard “government” that we set up will come unraveled and it’ll be worse than it was before.

Well … shucks. I’ve been saying that since 2003. Think about it: the actual war only lasted two weeks; the occupation has lasted almost nine years. The fact is, trying to turn a place like Iraq into a clone of the United States is like trying to teach table manners to a bear. Many Iraqis don’t know what democracy is—and they don’t want to know.

Rep. Buck McKeon (R-California) said, “Multiple experts have testified before my committee that the Iraqis still lack important capacities in their ability to maintain their internal stability and territorial integrity.”

Well … so what? If the Iraqis haven’t been able to learn how to take care of themselves over the last decade, then those poor dumb bastards deserve whatever they get.

And so much for that.

Occupy the Tundra

Occupy the Tundra

In other news, Michele Bachmann’s entire campaign staff in New Hampshire has quit. The candidate denies it, and contrary to the polls, she fully expects to win handily in Iowa and then roll on to victory in every other state, locking up the nomination on the first ballot before defeating Barack Obama in 2012 and thus making damned sure that he is a “one-term president.”

Everyone else—even her own staff and so-called supporters—know that the dingbat from Minnesota is weeks or possibly only days away from calling it quits.

Finally, the Minnesota Vikings are sniffing around for greener pastures—maybe L.A.?; Muammar Gaddafi is dead and his corpse is on display; and a woman in Alaska, Diane McEachern, is Occupying the Tundra.

Welcome to the weekend.

Here’s your wisdom:

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EDITOR’S COLUMN

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"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

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