Login Here

Secret Laboratory

Music, News, & Global Affairs

Member Login
Lost your password?
Not a member yet? Sign Up!

Spreading the Santorum in a New World Order

August 10, 2011
By

The Democrats in Wisconsin got stomped yesterday, only winning two out of six Senate seats that were up for recall—and two of their own seats will be up for recall next week. They only needed three to regain the majority; after next week, it’s conceivable that they will be worse off than when they started.

Which just goes to show you how useless the Democratic Party is. This is nothing new—it’s been that way for years—but to see them lose after making such a goddamned fuss earlier this year … well … it’s just sad, is what it is.

I have been trying to keep my hopes up for 2012, refusing to believe that people could go on making the same brainless mistakes, but I’m starting to detect the stench of defeat in the air. Obama has made a colossal mess of his presidency and shit all over the people who got him elected in the first place—he might just get a third-party candidate into the White House.

But probably not. If you’re not red or blue, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it that far in politics. What’s more likely, is that Butterfingers Obama will deliver the top spot in government right back into the greedy, waiting hands of the Republicans—and God help us if Michele Bachmann somehow wins the nomination.

Yes, it’s been a very depressing day for news—not a lot of smiles. For instance, the GOP has picked its six members for the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction (super committee); they’re all crackpot extremists who would rather be castrated than raise taxes, so we all know how it’s going to go in November. This is not a surprise, either; but it is kind of disheartening to see it printed in black & white.

The GOP appointments “will make sure that you don’t get any tax increases,” said FBR Capital Markets policy analyst Ed Mills, speaking to people making more than $250,000 and all of the other poor dumb bastards who can’t grasp the fact that they don’t belong to that elite 1.5% of the population (and probably never will).

John Boehner, as usual, made his own remarks; Dr. Evil spoke out of the side of his mouth, all the while attempting to suppress an impish grin. “This joint committee presents an opportunity for both parties to bring to the table their best ideas, debate them on the merits, and ultimately come together to do what’s best for our country,” he said.

Well … shit. What fucking planet is he living on? He and his cronies were the ones who refused to budge on new revenue in the first place; for him to come back and talk about “coming together” is a horrendous insult and a lie.

Meanwhile, Senator Al Franken (D-Minnesota) is once again taking on big issues and being all but ignored for his efforts. His latest crusade is against the ratings agencies that downgraded the United States’ credit score and were at least partially responsible for the housing and credit bubbles by issuing AAA-ratings to “toxic waste” investments for hefty fees. Read the article here … and for more information on how these agencies (such as S&P) work, go here.

Which reminds me: I finished Griftopia by Matt Taibbi; I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who is interested in learning who caused all of the financial crises in this country.

Things in Iowa are getting interesting. Rick Santorum is reportedly “worried” because no one is taking him seriously; according to some, if he has a poor showing in the Ames Straw Poll, his campaign will likely be “doomed.” Besides all of that, he has ruined his voice with all of his hateful, anti-gay rhetoric, saying things like calling same-sex marriage a marriage would be like calling a cup of tea a basketball.

Yeah, the man is a wreck—all anyone wants to talk about is the fact that his surname has been defined as “Santorum 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. 2. Senator Rick Santorum.” What’s worse, is this hideous definition is the #1 search result when one Googles “Santorum.” It’s enough to make him want to cry. He was practically driven out of office in Pennsylvania by a torch-carrying mob, and now every time his name is mentioned, it is done so right alongside anal sex.

Respected sex columnist Dan Savage is responsible in part for the ex-senator’s woes—but when you get right down to it, he has no one to blame but himself. Still, he said this: “It doesn’t deserve any kind of recognition. This is the kind of disgusting discourse in our society that coarsens our society and doesn’t add value. Because we have a society now with the Internet that anybody on the extreme fringe can post things and be heard, it doesn’t mean that should be paid attention to.”

Well, I wouldn’t say that Dan Savage is on the “fringe”—a hell of a lot more people pay attention to him than they do Rick Santorum. But so what? After Iowa, we probably will no longer have to worry about poor old Rick—or Tim Pawlenty, for that matter.

And what about Sarah Palin? That cuckoo bitch is getting back on board her bus and touring … where? Iowa! But she’s still not a candidate … which makes me wonder: just what in the royal stinking fuck is she campaigning for?

There’s all kinds of ugly things in the papers today—it’s the kind of stuff that makes a person just want to go back to bed and try again tomorrow. Speaking of which, I’m hoping to have more news for you in regards to water-fueled cars and the like by then. I was distracted by some heavy, feature-length films on the nature of the New World Order and all of the ugliness that it entails. I’m going to post a couple of those at the end of this column, even though I have not had a chance to get through the entire things. Trying to keep up on all of these topics is both exhausting and time-consuming …

… which is why this weekend is going to be so pleasant. I’m going to take my family and go sit in the woods for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’ll be back on Monday.

One final thing that I would like to address is the fact that we are just one month away from the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 … and as far as I can tell, the people responsible for that horrid act have not even been identified yet, let alone brought to justice. I’m not about to start getting into why I believe that—it’s a topic more suitable for a book, and a number of them have already been written—but I will invite you to watch these videos and look at another series which I found even more convincing: 9/11 Coincidences, a 19-part series available at NufffRespect’s YouTube channel.

So, until tomorrow….

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Find Magazines On Sale Now at Magazineline.com!

EDITOR’S COLUMN

1
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

Barnes & Noble
icon

LIKE US

LIKE US

Categories

V2 Cigs electronic cigarettes - Break Free From The Pack!
Rocawear (eFashion Solutions)
ProAudioStar.com Lowest Prices, Live Chat, Great Service


Technology

EDITORIAL STAFF

—————

Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
John T. Schmitz

—————

Managing Editor
Terencio Safford

—————

Executive Editor
RJ Wattenhofer

—————

DEPARTMENTS

—————

Sports
Eric Melch, Senior Editor
Brandon J. Rompa, Reporter

National Affairs
Shane Lindemoen, Senior Editor
Tom Bullington, Correspondent

Women’s Affairs
Liliana Grace, Editor

Arts & Entertainment
Samantha Veldhouse, Editor
Tatiana, Correspondent

Home & Health
Michele Peterson-Rufener, Editor

Technology
Michael Nardine, Editor

Gaming
Josh Flaherty, Editor

—————

BUREAUS & DIVISIONS

—————

Contributing Editors
Debra A. Carroll
Patti Lynn Henry
Shar Martinez
Bob Newland

—————

West Coast Correspondents
Robert Martin, KE6YDO
Richard Martin, KE6RJI

Music & Film Correspondents
Lauren R. Thomas
Nicole Thomas

Love & Sex Expert
Nick Tschida

—————

Reporters
Harvey Crumb
Otto Kroona

—————

ABOUT US

—————

Secret Laboratory is an online entertainment magazine for Music, News, & Global Affairs; it is published in the USA by Maple Hills Press.

Secret Laboratory is a progressive publication that supports human rights and building a better future for mankind. We specialize in humor, satire, news analysis, and support indie authors. Maple Hills Press, a non-traditional publishing imprint, believes that all talented writers should have a platform for their work, whether it be on the Internet, in the eBook market, or in print.

We welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions; we also encourage writers to submit their work and for bloggers to re-publish their columns here. If you're interested in joining our team, please visit our Submissions Page.

Correspondence may be directed to:
editor@secretlaboratory.org

—————