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Republicans: “Fuck the middle class.”

March 29, 2012
By

Poor old Newt Gingrich just doesn’t want to give up and admit that his campaign is over. Even after laying off a third of his staff, cutting back on travel, and meeting with the only ten people who have endorsed him (and hearing their doubts about the viability of his campaign), he is unwilling to drop out of the race; instead, he is planning on hanging around until at least June 5, which is the California primary.

Newt GingrichYes, everyone but Newt already knows that he will be dropping out—it’s not a matter of if, but when. All that remains to be seen is just how much damage he can do to Rick Santorum’s bid for the White House in the meantime. As the obvious nominee, Mitt Romney has nothing to worry about … and Ron Paul is nothing more than a harmless old jabbering nut who isn’t taken seriously by even his own staff.

Right. And Tuesday’s primary in Wisconsin is really the end of this nonsensical farce. Newt and Paul aren’t even worth talking about anymore … and if Santorum loses in Wisconsin, he won’t be able to stop Romney from getting the 1,114 delegates he needs to cinch the nomination. Tuesday is it. Still, even after that’s over, people will go on wondering if Romney can pull it off, even though at that point, he already has.

In other news, Congress has narrowly passed a ridiculous budget bill that will be defeated as soon as it gets to the Senate. Unsurprisingly, John Boehner and his ilk would like to see programs for the poor and middle class slashed while giving huge tax breaks to the wealthiest of Americans.

According to MSNBC: It [the bill] envisions collapsing the current six income tax rates into just two, with a top rate of 25 percent compared with today’s 35 percent.

“The Republican budget kicks the middle class in the stomach,” said Rep. Steve Israel, D-N.Y.

One Republican lawmaker, speaking anonymously, said this: “Fuck the middle class.”

Wealth IneqaulityWhat’s amazing is how many poor and middle-class people vote for these bastards, who don’t give a shit whether they live or die. As tax rates have decreased, so have the number of jobs and the average worker’s income; in fact, the only thing that has increased is profits and CEOs’ salaries.

You know, there’s something about working in the airline industry that drives people to the brink of madness—and sometimes over it. A couple of TSA agents down in Florida got drunk, threw all the furniture from their hotel room out on the lawn, and then blindly fired a handgun out the window until police arrived. When asked why they did it, one of the suspects said, “Why’d we do what?”

Then there’s the case of the transportation security manager at Dulles International Airport who also got in hot water at a hotel—he used his room and Craigslist to arrange elaborate sex orgies between prostitutes and paying customers.

And of course there is Clayton Osbon, the JetBlue pilot who went all to pieces on Tuesday while flying from New York to Las Vegas. After muttering about religion, sin, telling air traffic controllers to be quiet via radio, and generally behaving like Ron Paul, he was locked out of the cockpit and now he faces 20 years in prison—or a padded room.

Yes, the headlines have been decidedly strange as of late, without many smiles. This is what I’ve come to expect during this rotten month. There’s something off about March. While we’re only days away from April, I keep expecting a piano to land on my head.

Here’s your wisdom:

John T. Schmitz

John T. Schmitz

John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his son, Calvin; he is the author of four books.

E-mail Mr. Schmitz at editor@secretlaboratory.org.

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EDITOR’S COLUMN

1
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

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Secret Laboratory is an online entertainment magazine for Music, News, & Global Affairs; it is published in the USA by Maple Hills Press.

Secret Laboratory is a progressive publication that supports human rights and building a better future for mankind. We specialize in humor, satire, news analysis, and support indie authors. Maple Hills Press, a non-traditional publishing imprint, believes that all talented writers should have a platform for their work, whether it be on the Internet, in the eBook market, or in print.

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