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News of the Weird

March 27, 2012
By

The National Organization for Marriage (NOM) apparently wants to drive a wedge between homosexuals and racial minorities in an attempt to make those supporting gay marriage appear to be bigots. The story broke yesterday when certain confidential documents were unsealed in Maine by court order; in part, they say:

NOM

Click here to visit their site and leave them a nasty message.

Find, equip, energize and connect African American spokespeople for marriage, develop a media campaign around their objections to gay marriage as a civil right; provoke the gay marriage base into responding by denouncing these spokesmen and women as bigots …

The Latino vote in America is a key swing vote, and will be so even more so in the future, both because of demographic growth and inherent uncertainty: Will the process of assimilation to the dominant Anglo culture lead Hispanics to abandon traditional family values? We must interrupt this process of assimilation by making support for marriage a key badge of Latino identity—a symbol of resistance to inappropriate assimilation.

And: “From a political angle, this strategy will require electing a pro-marriage President in 2012.” Strategies for defeating President Obama include “expose Obama as a social radical,” and “raise such issues as pornography, protection of children, and the need to oppose all efforts to weaken religious liberty at the federal level.”

The people behind NOM, much like Rick Santorum, are proud of their bigotry and underhanded tactics—and they don’t give a fuck who knows about it. Just today, they posted a statement on their website, which says in part: “Gay marriage advocates have attempted to portray same-sex marriage as a civil right, but the voices of these and many other leaders have provided powerful witness that this claim is patently false. Gay marriage is not a civil right, and we will continue to point this out in written materials such as those released in Maine. We proudly bring together people of different races, creeds and colors to fight for our most fundamental institution: marriage.”

Well … shit. I’m not sure what gay marriage has to do with pornography or protecting children—and defending the “sanctity of marriage” is a farce. Marriage is nothing more than an unrealistic promise that two people make to each other and then break. How many happily married people do you know, gay or otherwise?

Still, love and the pursuit of it is ultimately what drives us all—and to tell homosexuals that their love and desires are evil and should never be realized … well … that would be sinful, if there was such a thing; instead, it is cruel and pigheaded and just plain wrong.

Facebook

Facebook suicide: don't do it.

There’s a lot of strange things in the headlines today. For instance, a woman in Taiwan committed suicide on Facebook—her audience consisted of nine “friends” who didn’t bother to alert authorities.

Huh. And back in 2010, a woman in England posted, “Took all my pills be dead soon bye bye everyone.” 148 comments followed her final post, with some friends begging for her address and others taunting her. 17 hours later, someone texted her mother, who finally called the police. Naturally, it was a little late.

Hungry Bitches

Rick Santorum has said that he sees no problem with this Brazilian scat-fetish porno because "it doesn't involve homosexual sex."

The Internet is a strange place, where one can see human beings at their absolute worst—which makes a certain amount of sense when you’re talking about anonymous content—but then again, average folks make the most intimate details of their lives public on social networks while still others perform in videos like 2 girls 1 cup, which is the trailer for a scat-fetish porno film called Hungry Bitches. (I considered linking directly to the video there, but it really is appalling; instead, the preceding link goes to the Wikipedia entry. If you really want to see it, just Google it.) As for me, while I do not write much about my personal life here, readers of my column know that I’m once again getting accustomed to single life, which can be a hard thing to do when you’re 33 and never expected it. On the other hand, there’s a lot to be said for long weekends full of drinking, good food, and better sex.

And speaking of strange, an Austrian man sawed off his foot and threw it in the stove because he was afraid that unemployment officials would determine that he’s physically able to work and then find a job for him (he’s been unemployed since 2003). After nearly dying and then being admitted to a psychiatric ward, the joke gets even better: “This is a tragic case but it will not help the man. He will be assessed once he is out of hospital and we will see what work we can find for him,” said Hermann Gössinger, spokesman for the unemployment center where the man was supposed to have been examined.

In environmental news, The Obama administration has proposed the first-ever standards to cut carbon dioxide emissions from new power plants. Naturally, this is being met with opposition from Republicans and people who think that burning coal is still an efficient way to produce electricity.

“Right now there are no limits to the amount of carbon pollution that future power plants will be able to put into our skies—and the health and economic threats of a changing climate continue to grow,” said Lisa Jackson, head of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).

Rep. Fred Upton (R-Michigan) responded by saying, “[The] EPA continues to overstep its authority and ram through a series of overreaching regulations in it attacks on America’s power sector.”

Michele Bachmann

"I don't even know what EPA stands for," said Michele Bachmann, "but they tell me it's a job killer!"

Yup. Just ask Michele Bachmann, who made the abolishment of the EPA a keystone of her campaign.

According to MSNBC: Republicans in Congress and on the campaign trail have claimed that Obama-era rules affecting power plants in recent years could cause blackouts. Numerous studies and an Associated Press survey of power plant operators have shown that is not the case.

But what about presidential politics? Didn’t anything interesting happen in the race for the White House? Well … sort of. Newt Gingrich has taken his stinking act to Delaware, where he is trying to convince the voters that he will still be a viable candidate in three weeks when it’s their turn to vote.

“I believe you can develop a Republican campaign that despite a billion dollars in Obama money, despite the bias of the elite media, despite the power of the incumbent presidency,” Gingrich said. “You can defeat him by picking your fights carefully and sticking to them.”

Then, in a move that is not only telling but is also superbly insulting, the candidate charged attendees of his speech $50 to take a photo with him.

Here’s your wisdom:

John T. Schmitz

John T. Schmitz

John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his son, Calvin; he is the author of four books.

E-mail Mr. Schmitz at editor@secretlaboratory.org.

 

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EDITOR’S COLUMN

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"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

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