It seems that the federal government is once again throwing away money on shit that no one needs—this time they are doling out billions of dollars in grants for small rural towns to purchase tanks and other armored vehicles … “just in case.”
Sheriff Andy Griffith recently unveiled Mayberry's latest piece of police equipment. "If those goddamned Occupy protesters show up here, we'll be ready for 'em," he drawled.
In case of what? In case a fight breaks out at the local roadhouse? Jesus Christ. Why not spend some of that money on education or food and shelter for the poor and homeless? Well … because you never know when an Occupy protest might crop up, which of course necessitates an armored Hummer with a gun turret.
And then there’s Michele Bachmann, who embarrassed herself nationally only to come slinking home to Minnesota and beg the voters who she ignored for a year to give her another chance. She’s scheduled for a meet-and-greet with constituents this Saturday in Sartell, a blister of a town that might at least remind her of Iowa. I’ll tell you what: that must be some bummer, coming off a high like the one that comes with presidential politics and finding yourself shaking hands with farmers while you admire their cattle.
Well … shucks. That’s nothing. Just ask former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who went from being the most powerful man in his state and a “TV star” to being a prison inmate—for 14 years. Yes, when you’re faced with news like that, losing a bid for the White House seems like no big deal—and even having your wife bankrupt you and run off with another man pales in comparison.
Speaking of which, I’ve added a new feature to the site—THE BIG BOARD, shamefully cribbed from The Colbert Report—which you can see in the sidebar to the right of this column. I think that it speaks for itself.
In presidential news, Rick Santorum (DEAD TO ME) won the primaries yesterday in Alabama and Mississippi while Mitt Romney bested him in the booby prize that is the Hawaii caucuses—and Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul received nothing but another spectacular beating, leaving them both to desperately paw through their wallets in an attempt to keep their campaigns afloat.
It’s no surprise that Santorum is winning in the South, a region of the country that is infamous for its ignorance and spitefulness; what is surprising, is that poor old Newt is still clinging to the idea that he might be president one day. But so what? At this point, the old bastard is just in it to be ornery—he knows damned well that he’s stealing crucial votes from Santorum in every state.
But what about Romney? Even as the “front-runner” with the largest war chest, he is still being embarrassed at almost every turn by the likes of Rick Santorum, a failed politician from Pennsylvania and a bad joke to anyone with even a bit of sense. I have no doubt that Romney will win the nomination—but what about November? Going up against Obama with a campaign like the one he’s been running will do nothing but cement the GOP’s place in the history books right next to the Whigs.
In other news, the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) has said that if America doesn’t get its shit together, in ten years we “might” face an economic crisis. Oh boy. Personally, I think ten years from now we’ll all be speaking Japanese.
In related financial news, Goldman Sachs executive director Greg Smith has quit and sparked an Internet sensation with his resignation letter, in which he describes the investment bank as “toxic and destructive.”
Right. And it’s no coincidence that Rolling Stone’s star reporter, Matt Taibbi, has described Goldman Sachs as “a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.”
Here’s your wisdom:
John T. Schmitz
John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his son, Calvin; he is the author of four books.
E-mail Mr. Schmitz at editor@secretlaboratory.org.
