Yesterday was Super Tuesday. Unsurprisingly, Mitt Romney won in most states, Rick Santorum had a few narrow victories, and Newt Gingrich managed just one. Ron Paul, who has made it his lifelong mission to alienate both Republicans and Democrats, went home a loser; however, he remains steadfastly committed to wasting as much money as possible on his doomed campaign before hearing, once and for all, the resounding “NO” that is sure to come in Florida.
Given these numbers, I’m forced to predict that Newt will be the next candidate to bow out of the race. Santorum, even though he technically lost, is still more excited than a guy on prom night because so many people are paying attention to him—and there’s even a few of them who aren’t whispering behind their hands that his name means, quite literally, “to lick the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”
And why not? Santorum won 91 out of 95 counties in Tennessee—which sounds pretty good, until you consider the fact that only 23% of the people who live in that state have a college education.
The Almighty and Rick Santorum have been in negotiations since this morning, regarding what "act of God" would be best suited for upsetting Mitt Romney's campaign.
Mitt Romney’s people, for their money, are saying that it would take an “act of God” for their candidate to lose the nomination. Rick Santorum, who regularly converses with God and speaks publicly for the invisible man in the sky, responded by saying that he and Jesus are ironing out the details of just what kind of “act” they will deploy.
The Republican party is behaving like a person with deep-seated personality issues—crashing around in a frenzy, creating one disaster after another, and intentionally sabotaging anything in their own best interest. They did it in 2008 when McCain blew the election by nominating Sarah Palin as his VP; and they’re doing it again now by offering the voters a choice between two extremes, neither of which is very palatable.
Well … four more years. This time, at least, we’re talking about Obama rather than a lying skunk like Nixon.
In other news, Rush Limbaugh is making a point of saying that he doesn’t give a fuck if his sponsors leave and that anyone who doesn’t like his show can go fly a kite. In what’s perhaps an ironic development to this story, http://www.ashleymadison.com/, a web site that facilitates extramarital affairs (their motto is: “Life is short. Have an affair.”), has offered to buy up all open ad time on Rush’s show for the next three months. As a conservative blowhard, it’s doubtful that Rush will take them up on their offer—and for once, I find myself in tacit agreement with the stuffy old bastard. I believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment—not for any religious reasons, but simply because it is two people vowing to love and support one another for the rest of their lives—and the fact that there is a website dedicated to ruining that … well … I just don’t know what to say. If you’re not willing to uphold your word, then don’t get married. And if you’re the kind of person whose word means nothing to you, at least have the decency to slink away from your marriage rather than “have an affair” and make a fool of your partner.
Jesus. Think there’s anything lurking between the lines there? Click here for a story about a man and woman who have been married for five decades—which is something, considering I know a couple of ladies who couldn’t even manage to honor their vows for a few years.
And according to MSNBC: SeekingArrangement.com, a website that matches “sugar daddies” and “sugar babies,” also wants to buy ads, Business Insider reported, though Limbaugh may not thank them for their remarks. The publication quotes CEO Brandon Wade as saying, “Rush Limbaugh is one of the greatest examples of the modern day Sugar Daddy. We wouldn’t feel right if we didn’t come forward and support him in his time of need.”
At any rate, Rush Limbaugh, in addition to losing advertisers and affiliates, has also lost the right to use music by Peter Gabriel and the rock band Rush. Good.
And so much for that.
Here’s your wisdom:
John T. Schmitz
John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his son, Calvin; he is the author of four books.
E-mail Mr. Schmitz at editor@secretlaboratory.org.
