I apologize for neglecting my column for the last few days, but much of my weekend was spent coping with a nasty stomach virus while a parade of idiots crashed around my home, howling drunkenly and trying gamely to destroy both my apartment and my marriage. I had to fire one of our Entertainment Editors—although I doubt he cares very much, since I wasn’t paying him anyway.
And so forth.
I would like to thank one of our readers, William J. Urmson, for submitting the following video:
Apparently Mitt Romney has his work cut out for him, what with Newt Gingrich pulling into the lead and the political pundits giving Rick Perry another shot. What’s amazing is that anyone takes these men seriously—especially after Newt just got done publicly embracing the benefits of child labor … not to mention the fact that Perry has come right out and shit all over homosexuals and alienated everyone but fundamentalist Christians.
Yeah. That’s what I don’t get about Republicans: rather than moving forward, they’re only interested in going backward.
In other news, Lindsay Lohan has posed for Playboy in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate her career and draw attention to herself; unfortunately, no one wants to see Lohan nude. Furthermore, this is another grim reminder that Hugh Hefner’s empire is crumbling, along with most other skin magazines. He had a pretty good run, but with the availability of free, hardcore pornography all over the Internet … well … why not just go to RedTube, YouPorn, or even YouJizz?
Holy shit! Did I really just link to three of the dirtiest smut channels out there? Well … shucks. You’ll never catch me putting up those kinds of videos, but what others do is their own business.
Occupy San Francisco has been raided—again—and yesterday was an especially busy day for police. The OWS gang attempted to shut down all West Coast ports—and in many cases were successful—but the cops went into overdrive, arresting journalists, smashing cameras, covering their badge numbers with duct tape, and even erecting tents in order to corral and abuse peaceful protesters away from the glaring eyes of the world.
Seriously. The police are now obscuring their blatantly criminal actions with tents—probably the same tents they confiscated from the demonstrators in the first place.
As usual, the best place to go for detailed coverage of these events is the original Occupy Wall Street website—and if you’re not sure why anyone would want to shut down these ports, you’ll find an explanation from the truck drivers themselves here.
In related news, the Federal Reserve apparently can’t fix all of our problems. Former Fed governor Frederic Mishkin said this: “There’s a tremendous danger from the view that the Fed can solve all problems. It actually is a situation where it takes the heat off the politicians to do the right thing. Our problems in this country are not with Federal Reserve or that the Federal Reserve can’t solve them. It’s with the damn people in Washington.”
Huh. And here I thought that one of our underlying problems was the Federal Reserve. You see, when our entire government is beholden to a private banking cartel … well … that is a problem. Anyone with even a basic understanding of economics—including fiat currency, fractional reserve banking, and compound interest—knows just what a bogeyman the Fed really is.
Referring to the former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, Mishkin said, “One of the real problems of the Greenspan years which was that Greenspan had this element of the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. People thought that he could do everything. He helped give that impression and, in fact, as we know from the movie, the Wizard of Oz couldn’t do very much.”
Right. And that’s funny, because The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, written in 1900 by L. Frank Baum, was not so much a beloved tale for children but a chilling allegory for monetary reform.
In other news, Donald Trump has decided not to moderate that debate later this month after all—mainly because there wasn’t going to be a debate, unless you count a two-sided farce between Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, the only two candidates willing to participate.
Naturally, Mr. Trump cites other reasons: “The Republican Party candidates are very concerned that sometime after the final episode of The Apprentice, on May 20, when the equal time provisions are no longer applicable to me, I will announce my candidacy for President of the United States as an Independent and that, unless I conclusively agree not to run as an Independent, they will not agree to attend or be a part of the Newsmax debate scheduled for December 27, 2011. It is very important to me that the right Republican candidate be chosen to defeat the failed and very destructive Obama Administration, but if that Republican, in my opinion, is not the right candidate, I am not willing to give up my right to run as an Independent candidate. Therefore, so that there is no conflict of interest within the Republican Party, I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate. The American people are embarrassed by the gridlock currently taking place in Washington. I must leave all of my options open because, above all else, we must make America great again!”
Mr. Trump then humbly added, “I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate!”
Jesus Christ. Here’s your wisdom:
John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his wife, Megan, and their two children; he is the author of four books.
E-mail Mr. Schmitz at email@example.com.