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Pining For Simpler Times—and Acid

December 3, 2011
By
Tip of the Iceberg

Click here to visit We Are The 99%

I’ve always enjoyed Adam Carolla’s brand of humor—especially when he was hosting Love Line with Dr. Drew Pinsky—but his opinion regarding the Occupy Wall Street protests is repugnantly small minded. He has called them “fucking self-entitled monsters” and “self-entitled pricks who think the world owes them a living.”

Mr. Carolla is referring to the Millenial generation, whose parents were the Baby Boomers; what he fails to realize is that it’s not just kids or hippies or the unemployed who are part of the OWS movement. There are people of every conceivable race, age, gender, and description participating, including veterans, lawyers, doctors, police officers, teachers, union officials, and even folks so old that they can barely stand up on their own.

Just a couple of days ago, 20,000 people marched on the streets of New York City—the majority of them affiliated with a union in one way or another. These people identify themselves as members of the “99%”—and they sure aren’t shiftless bums. One man, who said a few words to RT America, moaned that he works hard every day and at the end of the week, he “doesn’t have two nickels to rub together.”

Well … shit. I know all about that; Adam Carolla, on the other hand, does not. I don’t begrudge him his success; he’s talented and has made a lot of money—that’s the American Dream—but there are millions of people in this country who work harder than he does, yet they can’t pay their bills and live in constant fear of sickness and misfortune.

It is a popular misconception that every single person in America has an equal opportunity for success—if that were true, then it would be conceivable that everyone could be rich, which of course is an impossibility; therefore, the playing field is not even. The world is a very different place when it comes to someone who is born into poverty versus someone who is born into an affluent existence.

On one hand, you have someone who may have only one parent; someone who goes to a school with little funding; someone who has to leave school in order to help support their family; someone who doesn’t qualify for a scholarship, can’t afford tuition, and has no special talent or skill.

Poor child

"Fuck it," said one child; "one day I'll be rich!"

On the other hand, you have someone with two parents; someone who goes to a private school; someone who doesn’t need a scholarship because their family is rich; someone who is automatically accepted at a prestigious college; someone who has a job waiting for them at their father’s business.

It is true that there are success stories—tales of people who make it all the way to the top despite humble beginnings. There are musicians, artists, actors, and writers—but for every one who makes it, there are thousands who don’t.

People who work 80+ hours a week at minimum wage jobs, whether or not they have a college degree, are not lazy—they are victims of a broken system. If there were enough good-paying jobs to go around, there wouldn’t be millions of folks standing in the bread line, nor would there be college graduates toiling at McDonald’s on Saturday night.

So … fuck Adam Carolla. And fuck anyone else who thinks that people choose to be poor. The fact is, our economic system resembles a game of musical chairs. All money is loaned into existence at interest (money = debt), which means of course that only the principle exists. If every debt were to be paid off, there would not be one dollar left in circulation; what’s worse is that there would still be an incredible amount of money owed (the interest). All of this means that no matter what, a certain number of people must default on their loans—it is a mathematical certainty.

I have a feeling that today’s column is going to be a monster. Already I’m approaching the end of the page and I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg. For instance, anyone who follows my Facebook feed is treated to an elaborate string of links and stories that I don’t always have time to cover here. There’s an article from the Huffington Post that I recommend, having to do with the U.N. petitioning our federal government to stop acting like a fascist police state and start living up to our own standards—the crap that we shove down everyone else’s throats.

Sen. Rand Paul

Sen. Rand Paul

Speaking of which, Sen. Rand Paul just defeated a bill that would have allowed the U.S. government to detain an American citizen indefinitely, even after they had been tried and found not guilty, until Congress declares an end to the war on terror. (Who am I kidding? Congress hasn’t declared an official war since … well … when? World War II? Christ, we’ve been screwed ever since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution.)

According to Paul’s website: The amendment would have passed by voice vote, but this tactic was blocked by Sen. Paul’s objection. He then forced a roll call vote, in which the amendment was defeated, 41-59.

“Suspicion of committing a crime should lead to your attempted prosecution. If the evidence does not support conviction, it would be against everything we believe in and fight for in America to still allow the government to imprison you at their whim,” Sen. Paul said. “Tonight, a blow was struck to fight back against those who would take our liberty.”

There’s been some confusion as to the outcome of this bill—on December 1, it was reported everywhere (including here) that it passed. Well … whatever. The fact that such a thing was even considered is enough to give a thinking man pause.

Another interesting story that’s been bouncing around for the last few days has to do with government agencies—both foreign and domestic—using people’s cellular telephones to eavesdrop on them and track their every move. I imagine that there’s some truth to this; however, I doubt very much that the spooks who work for the CIA have much interest in you or me. I love a great conspiracy—they’re entertaining, if nothing else—but getting all carried away and hysterical about such things will drive a person mad.

Yasha Levine

Yasha Levine

On another note, Yasha Levine, writing for The eXiled about being evicted and arrested in Los Angeles, said this: “First off, don’t believe the PR bullshit. There was nothing peaceful or professional about the LAPD’s attack on Occupy LA–not unless you think that people peacefully protesting against the power of the financial oligarchy deserve to be treated the way I saw Russian cops treating the protesters in Moscow and St. Petersburg who were demonstrating against the oligarchy under Putin and Yeltsin, before we at The eXiled all got tossed out in 2008. Back then, everyone in the West protested and criticized the way the Russian cops brutally snuffed out dissent, myself included. Now I’m in America, at a demonstration, watching exactly the same brutal crackdown …”

Everyone should follow the link that I provided and read Mr. Levine’s article—a first-hand account of arrestees being handcuffed for seven hours or more, being denied food and water, being forced to urinate and defecate in their seats on a bus, being denied medical attention … I mean … holy shit.

Herman Cain

Herman Cain, wiping his brow in relief

Meanwhile, Herman Cain is wiping his brow in relief, having gotten exactly what he wanted all along: free money, publicity, and the undying adoration of a few hundred extremely stupid people—the kind of slack-jawed morons who go around with their pants unzipped, struggling to read road signs. (To them, 9-9-9 sounds good, because it is simple.) Now, Cain has “suspended” his bid for the presidency; however, he will not be “silenced” nor is he “going away,” preferring instead to launch a new website and concentrate on what’s most important to him: selling books and chasing pussy. Naturally, Mr. Cain is leaving open the possibility of re-entering the race—a move intended to placate the drooling idiots whom I just mentioned.

This is funny: “As far as these accusations causing me to back off and maybe withdraw from this presidential primary race … ain’t gonna happen,” declared Cain during an address on October 31. What’s even more funny is the MSNBC article that I took that quote from, because it reads like an obituary.

I’ll admit that at one point I predicted Rick Perry would win the nomination handily—utterly absurd, I know—but to have ever supported Herman Cain … well … that’s just ludicrous.

It’s Saturday night and it’s snowing here in Minnesota—it has been for hours. We’re drinking seasonal beer, watching drunken dramas from the U.K., and swilling strong coffee. As usual, I’ve broken down and bought cigarettes—even though I despise them and will no doubt puke up a lung in the morning.

Cigarettes. Coffee. Beer.

Acid.

Why don’t I have any acid? During simpler times, my friends and I would have wandered around in the cold, clad only in leather jackets and All Star tennis shoes, terrorizing decent people while our eyes popped right out of our goddamned heads.

Yeah, those were the days. I’m old now—and there’s no more acid. Once you have kids and start working six jobs, dangerous drugs become scarce. One of these days—soon, I imagine—my daughter will be old enough to have her own drugs …

… and then I will steal them.

And ground her.

Okay. Welcome to the weekend.

Here’s your wisdom:

John T. Schmitz

John T. Schmitz

John T. Schmitz is the editor & publisher of Secret Laboratory; he is the founder of Maple Hills Press and has also freelanced as a writer and photographer, contributing to various local and international publications. Mr. Schmitz lives in Minnesota with his wife, Megan, and their two children; he is the author of four books.

E-mail Mr. Schmitz at jschmitz2009@hotmail.com.

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EDITOR’S COLUMN

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"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

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