Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Now that’s what I call a game. All the drama and heart you would expect to see in an NBA Playoff match was on display in Oklahoma City for Wednesday’s Game 2. It was a tight one all the way up to the last seconds when James Harden’s interception of a wayward lob from...
Read More »
Despite a hot start at home, Philadelphia was cooled off considerably in the second quarter en route to a 107-91 loss at the hands of The Celtics, who take a 2-1 lead in this best-of-seven series. Philly ended the first half down 11-points and never had an answer for Boston’s defense or the trio...
Read More »
Clippers point guard Chris Paul made a sweet Los Angeles sports weekend sweeter still. Only a handful of hours after The L.A. Lakers secured a series-deciding victory at Staples Center in L.A., Paul and the new-look Clippers made a physical statement in their own Game 7 in Memphis. The Grizzlies and Clippers battled hard...
Read More »
I’ve watched The Lakers compete in the post-season for about as long as I can remember. Some years they were dominant (dismantling The Magic in only 5 games in the 2009 NBA Finals) and in others they struggled with chemistry and an aging roster (swept by the Mavs in the 2011 semis). But...
Read More »
Kevin Garnett led his team in scoring for a second consecutive game as The Celtics squeezed out a 92-91 victory against The 76ers Saturday night in Boston. Despite holding a lead throughout the entire first half, as the game wound down Philadelphia found themselves awash in a sea of green and white jerseys...
Read More »
“They are old. I know what happens when you play basketball: Old guys foul. Garnett is the dirtiest guy in the league.” And so began the undoing of the Atlanta Hawks. The above quote was uttered by Hawks co-owner Michael Gearon Jr. on Wednesday, one day before his team’s Game 6 meeting with the...
Read More »
Kobe Bryant again showcased why he is a living legend in his sport with a 31-point playoff performance while suffering from a stomach illness in last night’s playoff Game 6 in Denver. Although it wasn’t much of a game. Denver bolted out of the gates with a 13-0 run, challenging The Lakers with...
Read More »
President Obama finally came out and admitted yesterday that he supports same-sex marriage, an issue that he’s been dancing around for years. It’s a risky business to say such a thing just six months away from the general election, but perhaps the president got a whiff of the political climate and decided that he’d...
Read More »
Imagine, if you will, that you own your own home. You’ve decided after living there about fifteen years that you don’t necessarily enjoy the company of the water cooler-sized rats that have taken up residence in the walls and basement, especially since they’re always snatching food off of you and never replacing it. We...
Read More »
A continuation of our part 1 piece on surviving the baseball-less winter and preparing for opening day! Baseball Cards: Seriously, the next time you’re out at Target, swing by and buy yourself a pack of the 1.99 Topps 2012 baseball cards. It’s a great way to get into the spirit of the season, and...
Read More »
Now that the Super Bowl has come and gone, it means it only a mere two weeks before pitchers and catchers report to spring training, a beacon of hope and excitement for baseball fans the world across. Usually, we have oppressive cold weather holding our baseball dreams down, but this outbreak of warm weather...
Read More »
No matter who’s colors you sported on Sunday, whose wife you think is more attractive (between Mrs. Eli Manning and Mrs. Brady Bundchen), what team you had money on, or what you think of Tom Brady and his Man Ugg endorsement deal, no one can deny that that was one hell of a...
Read More »
With a new year upon us, instead of reflecting upon 2011, we’d like to gaze into our crystal ball and give you a glimpse of what the 2012 sports landscape could very well look like (along with a few good humored stretches of our imagination as well). Super Bowl Champion: With the high flying,...
Read More »
Quick apology to all of our SL readers for the break in sports content. As a sports writer and college student, I felt I deserved a little break to just spend time with the family back home, and enjoy a diet that isn’t solely comprised of ramen. Two seasons ago, the city of Chicago...
Read More »
If you missed part one, check it out here. Football: Everyone and their sister knows what a football fan is like, and they come in all shapes and sizes (however most seem to be large, shirtless, bearded men according to credit card and beer commercials alike). But don’t let this stereotype scare you away...
Read More »
The Christmas season is upon us, and while the NBA will just be waking up, the rest of us hard at work have been preparing for the day for weeks on end, some leading all the way back to the post turkey coma gauntlet better known as Black Friday. The malls and shops are...
Read More »
By: Eric Melch Major League Baseball must have sent the NBA quite the Christmas card this holiday season, as the NBA has dominated headlines, and David Stern continues to demonstrate how a corrupt and decrepit commissioner with ownership of one of his own teams can play puppeteer with the rest of the league. Between...
Read More »
By Eric Melch The Minnesota Vikings currently sit in the cellar of the NFC North, and look to be on their way to securing a top five draft pick in the upcoming NFL draft. But for this one weekend, the gloomy dim of the Metrodome will be illuminated by the light eminating for...
Read More »
By: Eric Melch In the early weeks of the 2011 season, the New Orleans Saints seemed to have pulled the right strings and found their way to picking up the free agent steal of the offseason, signing Darren Sproles after his time in San Diego. A strikingly similar running back, the much more...
Read More »
The Minnesota Vikings actually won today, beating the Arizona Cardinals 34 – 10. Amazing. Recently, I’ve been saying things like, “Sorry I can’t come over—I’m gonna stay home and watch the Vikings lose.” It’s five o’clock and the house is quiet. There’s a pot of coffee on, a fridge full of beer, and sports...
Read More »
I wrote the following column yesterday; by the time I finished it, I was swollen like a toad from too much beer and food, leaving me too lazy to bother publishing it. Better late than never, right? As for today … well … it’s Monday. What else can I say? *** Without a doubt,...
Read More »
I viewed a pre-screening of the new movie, Contagion, last night in Edina, Minnesota. Despite starring Matt Damon and Kate Winslet, it was pretty good. There aren’t many films released nowadays that are even tolerable, but this one was. I wouldn’t recommend wasting your time seeing it in theatres, but it is worth adding...
Read More »
For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
