Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
My vlog is back–with a rundown of the final four weeks of Election 2012. Will Romney or Obama win? No one seems to know, but I’ll throw in my opinion anyway! –Tom Bullington, National Affairs Correspondent Political analysis–from a car! Campaign in a Car is a discussion of current events, the 2012 presidential election–and analysis of...
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Like many people who move to a new city and have absolutely no friends, I spend a lot of time on the internet these days. Facebook, of course, is my go-so site, since it allows me to stalk my exes and practice becoming a slot jockey at Mystic Lake once I retire. But after...
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I have been very angry. Yes, I admit it. I am one pissed off politico these days. There. I said it. So what? It felt cathartic to just spit it out already. Ever since the first presidential debate, my head has been ready to explode. I keep trying to find other things to take...
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We thought we’d gone to heaven; then there was a tap tap tapping all around us. It moves. It surrounds. It vanishes. It returns. It was an ‘old’ new tap tap tapping, of nature not man. There is something about solitude, about space, about skin, about face, about eyelids, about thoughts, about time, about...
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I feel like I watched two debates tonight. The first one I watched was Mitt Romney overplaying his hand, arrogantly and overaggressively dominating the stage, dangerously nearing Al Gore sighing territory. President Obama dominated Mitt Romney on Medicare but he completely ceded other areas of the debate; not because Mitt Romney did anything brilliant...
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Jeff (CDX) comes to the aid of Robert Martin (KE6YDO) and his brother Richard (KE6RJI) after learning that they were running out of food fast! Jeff (CDX) heard YDO & RJI talking on 147.435 Mhz, a local amateur radio repeater located in Los Angeles, and had them meet him at an Orange County Popeye’s...
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(I do not endorse any political ads) Intro to “Totally Gone West” Mark experienced culture shock in his high school years when (after his parents divorce) he moved from the inner city to a small town suburb and there encountered many lily white- blue eyed -blonde haired hockey jocks and their cheerleaders. He eventually...
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Sometimes everyone needs a break from something they love. For me it’s been a break from writing – I haven’t touched my personal blog in months and have just reposted some older ones for Secret Laboratory. I even put my book on the back burner for a bit. Not that I am too busy...
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Why is it not ok to disagree anymore? What is this generation of name calling we live in? “Pinheads” “traitors” “Nazis”… “Hitler”… Really? Hitler? Has anyone done anything to truly deserve the name? Unless they are a severely unhinged person requesting the genocide of an entire group of people, I do not think so. ...
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Stanley stood quietly drinking a lemonade and staring at the dead Hutterite man lying on his front step. He was sprawled out on his back with an arrow sticking out of his chest. Stanley wondered if he could tell time off of it. He also wondered where the body had come from. He figured...
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So it’s taken me awhile to finally be able to just sit down and write something, but I am definitely excited to be part of the Secret Laboratory team. I have been out of work for some time, so I haven’t had limitless time to just write lately, given how I have been frantically...
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Editor’s Note: In these videos, YDO cranks up the National Affairs Desk from California and expounds on Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Mormonism, and food stamps. Also, with winter coming, he and his brother need help with money, food, and a place to live. Go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation now. Robert Martin, born sometime in...
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My lovely and talented fellow Secret Laboratory writer Liliana Grace posted an article recently on sexual etiquette. One of the points she made was that porn isn’t real life. I have to say I agree with her and I’m disappointed I got the following emails. I expect better of you, my dear readers. Dear...
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Little did I know that when I walked into the mall the other day I would be walking out the proud new owner of the Samsung Galaxy S III. This shit’s crazy! I have never owned a cutting-edge piece of technology. Even when I buy new stuff it’s outdated and on clearance. I don’t...
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Editor’s Note: YDO and RJI are still camping at O’Neil Park in California–and in this video, they share the joys of feeding the squirrels peanut butter. Makes me wish that I was in California–or at least camping. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver...
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Sex these days just isn’t what it used to be. It’s undergone many changes throughout the ages; from being seen as shameful and dirty to selling it on the internet through Craigslist or a web cam, we’ve come a long way, baby. But whether you are doing it with a person you love or...
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Editor’s Note: In these videos, we see YDO camping at O’Neil Park in California, which makes all of us wish that we were there too. Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver when his dad got too drunk...
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Traveling with my children when they were younger was never an enjoyable experience. Amber is two and one half years older than Ryan, so they never really got along until just a few years ago. Needless to say, there have been many bloody noses, mostly on Ryan’s part after getting popped by his sister. ...
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There’s a couple of videos that have been floating around recently that have gone viral and caused quite a stir. They’ve garnered much attention in the local Minnesota media, but the rest of the nation is beginning to take notice. The first video shows a St. Paul police officer kicking a man in the...
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Dear Nick, I’m a fairly attractive woman in my late twenties, but I seem to have a pattern of only dating losers. Is the economy really so bad that all the men I find attractive are unemployed? Do I need to lower my high standards to meet the level of the general population, or...
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The following article was originally published in Hemphasis. We’re tired of the stupid political policy argument over whether or not industrial hemp production should be allowed in the United States. We’re sick over the damage this argument has caused us as a society and the damage it has caused several personal acquaintances of ours, and...
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Dear Nick, True story–just happened to me I told the guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months that I’m pregnant. He said we were going to name the baby Tony Montana (from Scarface). I objected and he said Hannah Montana if it’s a girl; I objected to that also. Then he asked for...
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Dear readers, I’ve gotten a few e-mails since my introductory posting. I will now answer a few of them. If Dan Savage is a gay Ann Landers, think of me as a pansexual Dear Abby, and now your questions: Dear Nick, I’m a 20 something hetero male and my girlfriend never seems to climax...
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Editor’s Note: YDO is once again sleeping indoors–and in this video, he catches up on his laundry and dispenses some wisdom. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver when his dad got too drunk to drive. He was in a motorcycle accident at 17,...
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Dear readers of Secret Laboratory, Do you have sex and or relationship woes? Does Dan Savage never return your calls or answer your emails? I am respectfully here to take some of that work off of Mr. Savage’s hands. Shoot me an email at nicktschida@secretlaboratory.org and I’d be happy to answer any and all questions. Nick...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
