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After the debate–the campaign winds down (Campaign in a Car #43)

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October 10, 2012
After the debate–the campaign winds down (Campaign in a Car #43)

My vlog is back–with a rundown of the final four weeks of Election 2012. Will Romney or Obama win? No one seems to know, but I’ll throw in my opinion anyway! –Tom Bullington, National Affairs Correspondent Political analysis–from a car! Campaign in a Car is a discussion of current events, the 2012 presidential election–and analysis of...
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Navigating Craigslist: a beginner’s guide

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October 9, 2012
computer

Like many people who move to a new city and have absolutely no friends, I spend a lot of time on the internet these days. Facebook, of course, is my go-so site, since it allows me to stalk my exes and practice becoming a slot jockey at Mystic Lake once I retire. But after...
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What Mitt Romney’s Post-Debate Surge Says About Us

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October 9, 2012
What Mitt Romney’s Post-Debate Surge Says About Us

I have been very angry. Yes, I admit it. I am one pissed off politico these days. There. I said it. So what? It felt cathartic to just spit it out already. Ever since the first presidential debate, my head has been ready to explode. I keep trying to find other things to take...
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RIVER THOUGHTS

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October 8, 2012
RIVER THOUGHTS

We thought we’d gone to heaven; then there was a tap tap tapping all around us. It moves. It surrounds. It vanishes. It returns. It was an ‘old’ new tap tap tapping, of nature not man. There is something about solitude, about space, about skin, about face, about eyelids, about thoughts, about time, about...
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10 Post-Debate Questions For President Obama

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October 3, 2012
10 Post-Debate Questions For President Obama

I feel like I watched two debates tonight. The first one I watched was Mitt Romney overplaying his hand, arrogantly and overaggressively dominating the stage, dangerously nearing Al Gore sighing territory. President Obama dominated Mitt Romney on Medicare but he completely ceded other areas of the debate; not because Mitt Romney did anything brilliant...
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YDO likes Popeye’s Chicken!

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October 3, 2012
YDO likes Popeye’s Chicken!

Jeff (CDX) comes to the aid of Robert Martin (KE6YDO) and his brother Richard (KE6RJI) after learning that they were running out of food fast! Jeff (CDX) heard YDO & RJI talking on 147.435 Mhz, a local amateur radio repeater located in Los Angeles, and had them meet him at an Orange County Popeye’s...
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A Will of Our Own

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September 30, 2012
A Will of Our Own

(I do not endorse any political ads) Intro to “Totally Gone West” Mark experienced culture shock in his high school years when (after his parents divorce) he moved from the inner city to a small town suburb and there encountered many lily white- blue eyed -blonde haired hockey jocks and their cheerleaders.  He eventually...
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Yeah, That One Time at Wal-Mart

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September 27, 2012
Yeah, That One Time at Wal-Mart

Sometimes everyone needs a break from something they love.  For me it’s been a break from writing – I haven’t touched my personal blog in months and have just reposted some older ones for Secret Laboratory.  I even put my book on the back burner for a bit.  Not that I am too busy...
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Do We Really Want Truth in Politics? Really?

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September 27, 2012
Do We Really Want Truth in Politics?  Really?

Why is it not ok to disagree anymore?  What is this generation of name calling we live in?  “Pinheads” “traitors” “Nazis”… “Hitler”…  Really?  Hitler?  Has anyone done anything to truly deserve the name?  Unless they are a severely unhinged person requesting the genocide of an entire group of people, I do not think so. ...
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A True Love Story in 10 Short Chapters

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September 26, 2012
A True Love Story in 10 Short Chapters

Stanley stood quietly drinking a lemonade and staring at the dead Hutterite man lying on his front step. He was sprawled out on his back with an arrow sticking out of his chest. Stanley wondered if he could tell time off of it. He also wondered where the body had come from. He figured...
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Fresh Out of The Laboratory

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September 26, 2012
Fresh Out of The Laboratory

So it’s taken me awhile to finally be able to just sit down and write something, but I am definitely excited to be part of the Secret Laboratory team. I have been out of work for some time, so I haven’t had limitless time to just write lately, given how I have been frantically...
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3 new videos from YDO. “Mitt Romney, you don’t know nothing about the hopeless plight of the homeless people or the poverty-stricken people. Mitt Romney, you were born with a silver spoon in your ass.”

By
0
September 24, 2012
3 new videos from YDO. “Mitt Romney, you don’t know nothing about the hopeless plight of the homeless people or the poverty-stricken people. Mitt Romney, you were born with a silver spoon in your ass.”

Editor’s Note: In these videos, YDO cranks up the National Affairs Desk from California and expounds on Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Mormonism, and food stamps. Also, with winter coming, he and his brother need help with money, food, and a place to live. Go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation now. Robert Martin, born sometime in...
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NEWS FLASH! Porn is not real life.

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2
September 22, 2012
NEWS FLASH! Porn is not real life.

My lovely and talented fellow Secret Laboratory writer Liliana Grace posted an article recently on sexual etiquette. One of the points she made was that porn isn’t real life. I have to say I agree with her and I’m disappointed I got the following emails. I expect better of you, my dear readers. Dear...
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Samsung Galaxy S III — It’s Way Smarter than Me!

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1
September 21, 2012
Samsung_Galaxy_S3

Little did I know that when I walked into the mall the other day I would be walking out the proud new owner of the Samsung Galaxy S III. This shit’s crazy! I have never owned a cutting-edge piece of technology. Even when I buy new stuff it’s outdated and on clearance. I don’t...
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YDO on squirrels and peanut butter: “They love this shit.”

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September 20, 2012
YDO on squirrels and peanut butter: “They love this shit.”

Editor’s Note: YDO and RJI are still camping at O’Neil Park in California–and in this video, they share the joys of feeding the squirrels peanut butter. Makes me wish that I was in California–or at least camping. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver...
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Sexual Etiquette

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September 18, 2012
sex

Sex these days just isn’t what it used to be. It’s undergone many changes throughout the ages; from being seen as shameful and dirty to selling it on the internet through Craigslist or a web cam, we’ve come a long way, baby. But whether you are doing it with a person you love or...
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YDO goes camping at O’Neil Park

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September 17, 2012
YDO goes camping at O’Neil Park

Editor’s Note: In these videos, we see YDO camping at O’Neil Park in California, which makes all of us wish that we were there too. Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver when his dad got too drunk...
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Nothing Like Brotherly & Sisterly Love

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September 15, 2012
Nothing Like Brotherly & Sisterly Love

Traveling with my children when they were younger was never an enjoyable experience.  Amber is two and one half years older than Ryan, so they never really got along until just a few years ago.  Needless to say, there have been many bloody noses, mostly on Ryan’s part after getting popped by his sister. ...
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Help Secret Laboratory determine whether to award our esteemed Police Brutality Award to St. Paul or Minneapolis

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September 14, 2012
Help Secret Laboratory determine whether to award our esteemed Police Brutality Award to St. Paul or Minneapolis

There’s a couple of videos that have been floating around recently that have gone viral and caused quite a stir. They’ve garnered much attention in the local Minnesota media, but the rest of the nation is beginning to take notice. The first video shows a St. Paul police officer kicking a man in the...
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LOSER has issues

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September 14, 2012
LOSER has issues

Dear Nick, I’m a fairly attractive woman in my late twenties, but I seem to have a pattern of only dating losers. Is the economy really so bad that all the men I find attractive are unemployed? Do I need to lower my high standards to meet the level of the general population, or...
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Stupid, Crazy, or Malicious?

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September 14, 2012
Stupid, Crazy, or Malicious?

The following article was originally published in Hemphasis. We’re tired of the stupid political policy argument over whether or not industrial hemp production should be allowed in the United States. We’re sick over the damage this argument has caused us as a society and the damage it has caused several personal acquaintances of ours, and...
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Pregnant people problems

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September 6, 2012
Pregnant people problems

Dear Nick, True story–just happened to me I told the guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months that I’m pregnant. He said we were going to name the baby Tony Montana (from Scarface). I objected and he said Hannah Montana if it’s a girl; I objected to that also. Then he asked for...
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America’s other sex advice columnist attempts to solve your problems

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September 4, 2012
America’s other sex advice columnist attempts to solve your problems

Dear readers, I’ve gotten a few e-mails since my introductory posting. I will now answer a few of them. If Dan Savage is a gay Ann Landers, think of me as a pansexual Dear Abby, and now your questions: Dear Nick, I’m a 20 something hetero male and my girlfriend never seems to climax...
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YDO does his laundry

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1
September 3, 2012
YDO does his laundry

Editor’s Note: YDO is once again sleeping indoors–and in this video, he catches up on his laundry and dispenses some wisdom. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver when his dad got too drunk to drive. He was in a motorcycle accident at 17,...
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Introducing America’s other sex and relationship advice columnist

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0
September 3, 2012
Introducing America’s other sex and relationship advice columnist

Dear readers of Secret Laboratory, Do you have sex and or relationship woes? Does Dan Savage never return your calls or answer your emails? I am respectfully here to take some of that work off of Mr. Savage’s hands. Shoot me an email at nicktschida@secretlaboratory.org and I’d be happy to answer any and all questions. Nick...
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EDITOR’S COLUMN

1
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

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EDITORIAL STAFF

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Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
John T. Schmitz

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Managing Editor
Terencio Safford

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Executive Editor
RJ Wattenhofer

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DEPARTMENTS

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Sports
Eric Melch, Senior Editor
Brandon J. Rompa, Reporter

National Affairs
Shane Lindemoen, Senior Editor
Tom Bullington, Correspondent

Women’s Affairs
Liliana Grace, Editor

Arts & Entertainment
Samantha Veldhouse, Editor
Tatiana, Correspondent

Home & Health
Michele Peterson-Rufener, Editor

Technology
Michael Nardine, Editor

Gaming
Josh Flaherty, Editor

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BUREAUS & DIVISIONS

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Contributing Editors
Debra A. Carroll
Patti Lynn Henry
Shar Martinez
Bob Newland

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West Coast Correspondents
Robert Martin, KE6YDO
Richard Martin, KE6RJI

Music & Film Correspondents
Lauren R. Thomas
Nicole Thomas

Love & Sex Expert
Nick Tschida

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Reporters
Harvey Crumb
Otto Kroona

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ABOUT US

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Secret Laboratory is an online entertainment magazine for Music, News, & Global Affairs; it is published in the USA by Maple Hills Press.

Secret Laboratory is a progressive publication that supports human rights and building a better future for mankind. We specialize in humor, satire, news analysis, and support indie authors. Maple Hills Press, a non-traditional publishing imprint, believes that all talented writers should have a platform for their work, whether it be on the Internet, in the eBook market, or in print.

We welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions; we also encourage writers to submit their work and for bloggers to re-publish their columns here. If you're interested in joining our team, please visit our Submissions Page.

Correspondence may be directed to:
editor@secretlaboratory.org

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