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Crime & Religious Affairs

Cimmerian

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0
May 12, 2013
Cimmerian

Introducing the new real life drama series, Cimmerian. This series is inspired by true events involving real people. The story is told from the perspective of the narrator. For the sake of privacy, the narrator shall herein be called, Dmitry. We will follow Dmitry, who has been so kind to lend his story to...
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Ed’s divorce attorney: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

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1
March 15, 2013
Ed’s divorce attorney: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

That’s exactly what he said when I showed him this picture; and while he might have wondered why anyone would marry a Megalodon shark, he kept his curiosity to himself. Apparently, you don’t ask too many questions when someone is paying you $200 an hour; instead, you just start drawing up papers and making...
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What’s the #1 threat to America? BEARS

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0
March 13, 2013
What’s the #1 threat to America? BEARS

Anyone listening to Secret Laboratory Radio this weekend must have thought that they had tuned in an insane asylum, one which had been overrun by the patients and was being taken apart, piece by piece. It wasn’t pretty, nor was it professional, but sometimes three good friends owe it to themselves to get together...
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Surfing the friendly skies with Ed—and the TSA

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0
March 9, 2013
Surfing the friendly skies with Ed—and the TSA

Huh. It’s been two weeks since I wrote my last column and I’ve accomplished very little, in either my professional or my personal life. Every day I think that I ought to write something … but then I find something to watch on Netflix, instead. And there’s YouTube, which is a vast wasteland of...
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Exploring the Second Amendment and why gun control is not the answer

By
4
December 17, 2012
Exploring the Second Amendment and why gun control is not the answer

It’s become almost commonplace to hear about mass shootings—they seem to happen all of the time, in a variety of settings ranging from schools to movie theaters to shopping malls. Friday morning, as I was getting a haircut, my barber mentioned that there had been a shooting in Connecticut, but he didn’t know any...
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15 feature-length films on 9/11. Was it a conspiracy? Were we lied to? Or are these the paranoid ravings of lunatics? Weigh in here and consider the evidence.

By
0
December 2, 2012
15 feature-length films on 9/11. Was it a conspiracy? Were we lied to? Or are these the paranoid ravings of lunatics? Weigh in here and consider the evidence.

It’s six o’clock in the morning here in Minnesota. Kim is sleeping and Josh went home hours ago … yet I’m haunted by our conversation from last night, which progressed from politics to religion to the events of 9/11. Josh, a man who introduced me to The Zeitgeist Movement, The Venus Project, and the...
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4 new videos from YDO! The War on Drugs, chocolate & coffee on Thanksgiving, a message from Lord Diesel, and good news about the Rabbit’s battery.

By
0
November 25, 2012
4 new videos from YDO! The War on Drugs, chocolate & coffee on Thanksgiving, a message from Lord Diesel, and good news about the Rabbit’s battery.

Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation or click on the button below. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver when his dad got too drunk to drive. He was in a motorcycle accident at 17, resulting in a coma. After recovering, Martin worked as...
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After the election … and Happy Thanksgiving from Secret Laboratory

By
0
November 23, 2012
After the election … and Happy Thanksgiving from Secret Laboratory

The last column that I wrote was churned out in a frenzy on November 6; it was started before the polls closed and by the time I was finished, Barack Obama had won a second term in the White House, seemingly without even trying. The whole thing was over by ten o’clock Central Time,...
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OBAMA WINS BY A LANDSLIDE! Mitt Romney reportedly suicidal, but he’ll try again in 2016 … and 2020 … and so forth.

By
0
November 6, 2012
OBAMA WINS BY A LANDSLIDE! Mitt Romney reportedly suicidal, but he’ll try again in 2016 … and 2020 … and so forth.

Editor’s Note: This column was written while states were still reporting and before Obama was declared the winner. Congratulations and here’s to another four years! When I started this blog in June of 2011, it was designed to be a website to promote my books. It didn’t take me long to realize that about...
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YDO waxes poetic on Romney and the Mormon Church

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0
October 20, 2012
YDO waxes poetic on Romney and the Mormon Church

Editor’s Note: Robert Martin, our West Coast correspondent, offers us some of his thoughts on Mitt Romney and the state of the nation in this video. If he seems a bit high strung, it’s because he and his brother are in dire financial straits. Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation. Robert Martin, born sometime...
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Biden blows up … OR … understanding Ed’s apathy

By
2
October 13, 2012
Biden blows up … OR … understanding Ed’s apathy

Watching the vice presidential debate on Thursday evening was refreshing after Butterfinger Obama’s disappointing performance last week. The president behaved like a three-toed sloth that had been drugged with Halcion, while Joe Biden smirked and sneered and called his opponent a lying skunk every chance he got. There were a few moments when I...
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Help Secret Laboratory determine whether to award our esteemed Police Brutality Award to St. Paul or Minneapolis

By
0
September 14, 2012
Help Secret Laboratory determine whether to award our esteemed Police Brutality Award to St. Paul or Minneapolis

There’s a couple of videos that have been floating around recently that have gone viral and caused quite a stir. They’ve garnered much attention in the local Minnesota media, but the rest of the nation is beginning to take notice. The first video shows a St. Paul police officer kicking a man in the...
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Stupid, Crazy, or Malicious?

By
September 14, 2012
Stupid, Crazy, or Malicious?

The following article was originally published in Hemphasis. We’re tired of the stupid political policy argument over whether or not industrial hemp production should be allowed in the United States. We’re sick over the damage this argument has caused us as a society and the damage it has caused several personal acquaintances of ours, and...
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Why pink playhouses are ruining America

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0
September 13, 2012
Why pink playhouses are ruining America

The heat has subsided—at least temporarily—here in Minnesota and the first signs of autumn are becoming evident. As much fun as summer is, I’m always happy to see it go. I’m looking forward to the day when I can put on a sweatshirt and drink a hot cup of coffee on my balcony while...
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Bill Nye Stands Up for Science While Some Redneck Unknowingly Proves Our Link to Apes

By
0
September 2, 2012
Are you people f*#king kidding me?!

On Thursday, August 30th, 2012, Beloved smarty pants Bill Nye the Science Guy released a video on Bigthink.com titled “Creationism is Not Appropriate for Children” in which he urged the grown-ups of the world to refrain from teaching their children the myth of creationism as an alternative to science. He said, “I say to the...
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Pico Rivera sheriff’s deputies harass Secret Laboratory reporters Robert & Richard Martin

By
2
August 28, 2012
Pico Rivera sheriff’s deputies harass Secret Laboratory reporters Robert & Richard Martin

Once again the Pico Rivera Sheriff’s Department caters to the crazy Del Taco lady! The Pico Rivera Sheriff’s Department swarmed our Secret Laboratory reporters, Robert and Richard Martin, this time in the Party City parking lot, just in front of Wal-Mart in the City of Pico Rivera, California, in the early evening of August...
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Just Another Fearsome Day

By
0
August 22, 2012
Just Another Fearsome Day

  I try to live my life without fear and regret, but in this day and age that seems to be harder and harder.  There are so many crazy people out there that everyone is suspect.  Even though I am friendly to everyone I meet, I trust very few strangers, and often look twice...
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YDO goes ballistic in the park; a trash can suffers.

By
0
August 22, 2012
YDO goes ballistic in the park; a trash can suffers.

Editor’s Note: Since making this video, Del Taco has rescinded their No Trespass Order against YDO and RJI. A new video, in which YDO extends his gratitude, will be coming soon, along with a copy of the email that Secret Laboratory received from Del Taco. For now, enjoy some of YDO’s wisdom. Robert Martin, born...
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California Camera Wars

By
4
August 21, 2012
California Camera Wars

It’s a tough old world—just ask our West Coast correspondents, Richard and Robert Martin (RJI and YDO, respectively). Disabled and forced to live on the street (albeit temporarily), they’ve been trying these last couple of days to report on the ridiculously-out-of-control homeless situation in Pico Rivera, California. There are dozens of people living in...
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Pico Rivera, CA sheriff’s deputies harass YDO & RJI in a Del Taco

By
1
August 19, 2012
Pico Rivera, CA sheriff’s deputies harass YDO & RJI in a Del Taco

Pico Rivera, CA–On the morning of August 17, 2012, Secret Laboratory reporter, Robert Martin (KE6YDO), and his cameraman/brother, Richard Martin (KE6RJI), were in a Del Taco located at 8650 Washington Boulevard Pico Rivera, CA 90660 drinking coffee. An unidentified woman came in and approached them at their table and said, “I remember you guys...
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Where were you when the fun stopped?

By
0
August 18, 2012
Where were you when the fun stopped?

Fall is in the air here in Minnesota—it has been for the last week or so. I know better than to assume that the raging heat of summer is over—we won’t see the last of that until September has come and gone—but at the moment, it’s 58 degrees outside and there’s a pleasant breeze....
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Secret Laboratory reporter, Robert Martin, gets cops called on him by a homeless woman! The responding deputy gets “two thumbs up” from YDO.

By
1
August 17, 2012
Secret Laboratory reporter, Robert Martin, gets cops called on him by a homeless woman! The responding deputy gets “two thumbs up” from YDO.

This afternoon I witnessed a couple and their child at the exit of the Wal-Mart in Pico Rivera, California; they were in the parking lot, carrying a sign, and asking for donations from a Wendy’s restaurant window located on the same property. I thought it would be a good idea if I could get...
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Still a Rebel

By
0
August 12, 2012
Still a Rebel

My hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles tingled with pain, sending a quiver of excitement down my spine. I needed this touch of exhilaration badly. My life had become so boring, so mundane, so monotonous, every humdrum word you can think of.  How did I let it get so bad? To...
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Apathy in 2012

By
2
August 5, 2012
Apathy in 2012

The 2012 Summer Olympics have been underway for a week now—and I have watched not one minute of them. No one here at Secret Laboratory has reported on them either, which is a painful reminder that our Sports Department is not what it should be. But so what? You get what you pay for,...
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I’m Voting No — And You Should, Too

By
0
July 27, 2012
My front yard is righteous now!

In May 2011, the Minnesota State Legislature voted to put a constitutional amendment on the 2012 ballots in Minnesota that will read: “Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as marriage in Minnesota?” Minnesotans, please VOTE NO this...
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EDITOR’S COLUMN

1
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."

"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."

"But what do I write?"

"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."

"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"

"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."

Hello Lab!

The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.

So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.

No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.

John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security

In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.

For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/

The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.

I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...

But I can't seem to find John.

John?

Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...

"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"

—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org

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EDITORIAL STAFF

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Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
John T. Schmitz

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Managing Editor
Terencio Safford

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Executive Editor
RJ Wattenhofer

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DEPARTMENTS

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Sports
Eric Melch, Senior Editor
Brandon J. Rompa, Reporter

National Affairs
Shane Lindemoen, Senior Editor
Tom Bullington, Correspondent

Women’s Affairs
Liliana Grace, Editor

Arts & Entertainment
Samantha Veldhouse, Editor
Tatiana, Correspondent

Home & Health
Michele Peterson-Rufener, Editor

Technology
Michael Nardine, Editor

Gaming
Josh Flaherty, Editor

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BUREAUS & DIVISIONS

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Contributing Editors
Debra A. Carroll
Patti Lynn Henry
Shar Martinez
Bob Newland

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West Coast Correspondents
Robert Martin, KE6YDO
Richard Martin, KE6RJI

Music & Film Correspondents
Lauren R. Thomas
Nicole Thomas

Love & Sex Expert
Nick Tschida

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Reporters
Harvey Crumb
Otto Kroona

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ABOUT US

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Secret Laboratory is an online entertainment magazine for Music, News, & Global Affairs; it is published in the USA by Maple Hills Press.

Secret Laboratory is a progressive publication that supports human rights and building a better future for mankind. We specialize in humor, satire, news analysis, and support indie authors. Maple Hills Press, a non-traditional publishing imprint, believes that all talented writers should have a platform for their work, whether it be on the Internet, in the eBook market, or in print.

We welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions; we also encourage writers to submit their work and for bloggers to re-publish their columns here. If you're interested in joining our team, please visit our Submissions Page.

Correspondence may be directed to:
editor@secretlaboratory.org

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