Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Introducing the new real life drama series, Cimmerian. This series is inspired by true events involving real people. The story is told from the perspective of the narrator. For the sake of privacy, the narrator shall herein be called, Dmitry. We will follow Dmitry, who has been so kind to lend his story to...
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That’s exactly what he said when I showed him this picture; and while he might have wondered why anyone would marry a Megalodon shark, he kept his curiosity to himself. Apparently, you don’t ask too many questions when someone is paying you $200 an hour; instead, you just start drawing up papers and making...
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Anyone listening to Secret Laboratory Radio this weekend must have thought that they had tuned in an insane asylum, one which had been overrun by the patients and was being taken apart, piece by piece. It wasn’t pretty, nor was it professional, but sometimes three good friends owe it to themselves to get together...
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Huh. It’s been two weeks since I wrote my last column and I’ve accomplished very little, in either my professional or my personal life. Every day I think that I ought to write something … but then I find something to watch on Netflix, instead. And there’s YouTube, which is a vast wasteland of...
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It’s become almost commonplace to hear about mass shootings—they seem to happen all of the time, in a variety of settings ranging from schools to movie theaters to shopping malls. Friday morning, as I was getting a haircut, my barber mentioned that there had been a shooting in Connecticut, but he didn’t know any...
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It’s six o’clock in the morning here in Minnesota. Kim is sleeping and Josh went home hours ago … yet I’m haunted by our conversation from last night, which progressed from politics to religion to the events of 9/11. Josh, a man who introduced me to The Zeitgeist Movement, The Venus Project, and the...
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Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation or click on the button below. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a truck driver when his dad got too drunk to drive. He was in a motorcycle accident at 17, resulting in a coma. After recovering, Martin worked as...
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The last column that I wrote was churned out in a frenzy on November 6; it was started before the polls closed and by the time I was finished, Barack Obama had won a second term in the White House, seemingly without even trying. The whole thing was over by ten o’clock Central Time,...
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Editor’s Note: This column was written while states were still reporting and before Obama was declared the winner. Congratulations and here’s to another four years! When I started this blog in June of 2011, it was designed to be a website to promote my books. It didn’t take me long to realize that about...
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Editor’s Note: Robert Martin, our West Coast correspondent, offers us some of his thoughts on Mitt Romney and the state of the nation in this video. If he seems a bit high strung, it’s because he and his brother are in dire financial straits. Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/cske6ydo and make a donation. Robert Martin, born sometime...
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Watching the vice presidential debate on Thursday evening was refreshing after Butterfinger Obama’s disappointing performance last week. The president behaved like a three-toed sloth that had been drugged with Halcion, while Joe Biden smirked and sneered and called his opponent a lying skunk every chance he got. There were a few moments when I...
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There’s a couple of videos that have been floating around recently that have gone viral and caused quite a stir. They’ve garnered much attention in the local Minnesota media, but the rest of the nation is beginning to take notice. The first video shows a St. Paul police officer kicking a man in the...
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The following article was originally published in Hemphasis. We’re tired of the stupid political policy argument over whether or not industrial hemp production should be allowed in the United States. We’re sick over the damage this argument has caused us as a society and the damage it has caused several personal acquaintances of ours, and...
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The heat has subsided—at least temporarily—here in Minnesota and the first signs of autumn are becoming evident. As much fun as summer is, I’m always happy to see it go. I’m looking forward to the day when I can put on a sweatshirt and drink a hot cup of coffee on my balcony while...
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On Thursday, August 30th, 2012, Beloved smarty pants Bill Nye the Science Guy released a video on Bigthink.com titled “Creationism is Not Appropriate for Children” in which he urged the grown-ups of the world to refrain from teaching their children the myth of creationism as an alternative to science. He said, “I say to the...
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Once again the Pico Rivera Sheriff’s Department caters to the crazy Del Taco lady! The Pico Rivera Sheriff’s Department swarmed our Secret Laboratory reporters, Robert and Richard Martin, this time in the Party City parking lot, just in front of Wal-Mart in the City of Pico Rivera, California, in the early evening of August...
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I try to live my life without fear and regret, but in this day and age that seems to be harder and harder. There are so many crazy people out there that everyone is suspect. Even though I am friendly to everyone I meet, I trust very few strangers, and often look twice...
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Editor’s Note: Since making this video, Del Taco has rescinded their No Trespass Order against YDO and RJI. A new video, in which YDO extends his gratitude, will be coming soon, along with a copy of the email that Secret Laboratory received from Del Taco. For now, enjoy some of YDO’s wisdom. Robert Martin, born...
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It’s a tough old world—just ask our West Coast correspondents, Richard and Robert Martin (RJI and YDO, respectively). Disabled and forced to live on the street (albeit temporarily), they’ve been trying these last couple of days to report on the ridiculously-out-of-control homeless situation in Pico Rivera, California. There are dozens of people living in...
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Pico Rivera, CA–On the morning of August 17, 2012, Secret Laboratory reporter, Robert Martin (KE6YDO), and his cameraman/brother, Richard Martin (KE6RJI), were in a Del Taco located at 8650 Washington Boulevard Pico Rivera, CA 90660 drinking coffee. An unidentified woman came in and approached them at their table and said, “I remember you guys...
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Fall is in the air here in Minnesota—it has been for the last week or so. I know better than to assume that the raging heat of summer is over—we won’t see the last of that until September has come and gone—but at the moment, it’s 58 degrees outside and there’s a pleasant breeze....
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This afternoon I witnessed a couple and their child at the exit of the Wal-Mart in Pico Rivera, California; they were in the parking lot, carrying a sign, and asking for donations from a Wendy’s restaurant window located on the same property. I thought it would be a good idea if I could get...
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My hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles tingled with pain, sending a quiver of excitement down my spine. I needed this touch of exhilaration badly. My life had become so boring, so mundane, so monotonous, every humdrum word you can think of. How did I let it get so bad? To...
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The 2012 Summer Olympics have been underway for a week now—and I have watched not one minute of them. No one here at Secret Laboratory has reported on them either, which is a painful reminder that our Sports Department is not what it should be. But so what? You get what you pay for,...
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In May 2011, the Minnesota State Legislature voted to put a constitutional amendment on the 2012 ballots in Minnesota that will read: “Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as marriage in Minnesota?” Minnesotans, please VOTE NO this...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
