Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
If Germany is known for one thing, it’s their unofficial motto of “Go big or go home.” Whether they are holding hateful pep rallies or improving on wiener schnitzel, they always take things to the next level. So it’s no surprise to anyone that the newest metal band to come from there is taking...
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With the recent release of their second full-length “Motherland”, Minneapolis trio Apollo Cobra are revealing themselves to be a local act you can’t afford to ignore. Without the use of laptops, guitars or typical drum machine sounds they are making dance music that feels simultaneously organic and futuristic. Keyboardist Dylan Nau’s penchant for...
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Lab Rats. I recently had the pleasure of sitting down and listening to Alisha Vertel’s debut EP, Black and Blue. In short, the shit knocks — from track 1 to track 7. It’s definitely going to stay pumping from in my earphones for the next couple weeks. Needless to say, I’m impressed. There’s an energy to...
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The primary force behind one of Minneapolis’ loudest and most chaotic acts, Emcee/Producer K., describes his current project GAHEDiNDIE in vague yet alluring terms: “Some people call what we do ‘noise rap’. We rep the Desert. We care about the human condition.” The word “noise” should not be under-emphasised here. Even a cursory spin...
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As a musician myself I can tell you that the most important thing about a live event is energy, and not solely from the performer. Tuesday’s Black Keys show at Target Center in downtown Minneapolis was a high-energy affair from the stage but the crowd failed to match that intensity. The band came out...
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I hate when I’m perusing through my iTunes library and I can’t find anything to listen to. The count at the bottom of the screen says I have 2,305 items and not one of those songs fits my mood. I have been desperately scanning around the internet and asking friends what they’ve been listening...
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A few weeks ago, singer Lana del Rey gave what has been described as a “terrible live performance” on Saturday Night Live. I didn’t get a chance to see the performance myself, since I’m still on my way to becoming a real live grown up with furniture sets and an impressive cable line up;...
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A few months back I found myself lounging in a good friend’s south Minneapolis home, sipping on some wine and going over the mundane experiences that we had encountered on whatever mundane weekday it happened to be. I noticed that the music playing in the background was interesting. It was alternative yet not the...
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This piece was written in 2004; it was first published in Stone Roller and appears in one of my books, Cabin Life Ain’t Easy. Watch for an upcoming sequel to this saga…. I first caught The Tim Malloys’ act about two years ago at the Half Time Rec (located at 1013 Front Street in Saint Paul)...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
