Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
We thought we’d gone to heaven; then there was a tap tap tapping all around us. It moves. It surrounds. It vanishes. It returns. It was an ‘old’ new tap tap tapping, of nature not man. There is something about solitude, about space, about skin, about face, about eyelids, about thoughts, about time, about...
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(I do not endorse any political ads) Intro to “Totally Gone West” Mark experienced culture shock in his high school years when (after his parents divorce) he moved from the inner city to a small town suburb and there encountered many lily white- blue eyed -blonde haired hockey jocks and their cheerleaders. He eventually...
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I drove a limo for a maniacal man Make a little bread was the general plan Where you headed was the question I asked most? When someone asked me back I was gone like a ghost I drove to Vegas met an old woman there Her eyes were wild she had perfect hair...
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Raccoons. Furry little imps, cute trouble makers of the suburban wildlife. Broken purr louts, eaters of garbage and dog food. They smell like the living dead, their black paws speak of necrosis. They say that the black face is like a mask, but I know the truth. One summer in high school I went...
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There’s something beyond the granite here On the ceiling where the cracks boil over with that foul smelling ooze that freezes into shale when it bleeds onto us And the heat seeps out on occasion in hungry gusts that get our blood flowing again when our skin turns from white to grey to black...
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An expatriate in the waiting room Is hoping to be prescribed something of an antidote He has poison in his mind Remnants of an enigmatic concept That he renounced some time ago through scrupulous, tactful reasoning The hardened man now has no tolerance for aesthetics Or incomprehensible day to day riff raff When he left...
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Inching toward severance Chanting tonal stings at the air belonging to the stale winter’s end Feeling wise Feeling lucid Feeling Impervious but to doubt Tall shimmering indolence buried in the basement of the laund-row-mat Where the gags are in place the small red bulbs aglow sweat pools below the half-repaired card tables Feeling wise Feeling...
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Dotted lines run deep Cavernous Centrally aligned under an inked tip Guilt after steadied catharsis Timid Terrestrial in nature, biologically flawed I’m counting on you this time, and again simple tasks are left unwed but to paper and cabinetry Surrealistically challenged by a vandalized imagination Dotted lines run deep A porous...
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I’m coughing up dust all over the walls, belching out tiny white splinters and yellowed strands of yarn. I’m sticking my fingers into my throat to itch away the dust and pulling out bony stumps, dry as if I’d been digging in sand I’m coughing so much I can’t sleep or eat or take...
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Glorified thieves Rolling rampant and unhinged Only frightful tangents muster the winter’s cold edge Watchful eye! What can be seen in this vagrant dust? An anomaly!! For centuries we’d hoped Something unexplainable A contraption of holy justice Eager to be kept secret Amongst the catacombs of wealthy eco-mongers With their star powered...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
