Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Writing fiction is an artistic expression, and like most artistic expressions it relies for much of its essence on a lot of common patterns that both the reader and the writer can recognize. That’s sometimes the best part of observing art: trying to understand the messages behind the expressions. With fiction, there’s a...
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So here we are. Back in the lab. I can’t say that I am back with original literary enthusiasm and have pulled myself from my dark little crevice or if I’m simply poking my head out to see if the world still exists only to quickly withdraw again at the first sign of light...
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Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Today is a day of love, chocolate, fancy dinners, jeweley, and sex with the lights on. Since I am your typical uppity diva, I generally demand a combination of 4 or more of the things listed above, but since this month’s fun money has already been pissed down the drain...
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If Germany is known for one thing, it’s their unofficial motto of “Go big or go home.” Whether they are holding hateful pep rallies or improving on wiener schnitzel, they always take things to the next level. So it’s no surprise to anyone that the newest metal band to come from there is taking...
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Lab Rats. If you haven’t noticed, the bulk of my posts throughout this year have revolved around one solitary idea: the purpose of life. It could be that I’m just at that age, you know? Mid-twenties, feeling compelled to question any and everything. Or, which I’m more inclined to believe, it could be that...
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I never write 2 articles in one day, however I finally got around to the DMC demo that was released 4 days ago. After playing it, I felt compelled to write… I’ll admit, when I first saw the updated DMC reboot, I was in shock at Dante’s drastic new look. I didn’t start crying...
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Well… this is a unique treat. This game surprised me, I got much talk about it on twitter so I decided to check into it myself. This game, which started out slightly odd to me, won me over almost instantly with its over the top gore, unique art and bodacious soundtrack. That’s right, BODACIOUS....
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On Sunday night I got to see one of my favorite comedians, Pete Holmes, perform live at the Cedar Cultural Center in Minneapolis, MN. Pete may be best known for his voice-over work including that of the e*trade baby, but he is also the host of a popular podcast on the Nerdist network called...
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Hi old friend, I’m currently writing you from the Black Hills of South Dakota; I’ve traveled a long way from Conway. How did I end up here? I’m sure you are wondering, and I’ve asked myself that question many times. How did I get here? The answer is simple, yet complex. Cliche? I know....
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One of my favorite ways to spend an afternoon is to drive to the suburbs and skim the shelves of Half Priced Books. I usually go to the one in Apple Valley, MN because it’s closest to home, there’s ample parking, and it’s right around the corner from a pet store where I can...
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In other news this week, actor Fred Willard, 72, was charged with “lewd conduct” on Wednesday July 18th. Reportedly, he was minding his own business and he exposed himself at a Hollywood XXX movie theatre by the name of The Tiki Theatre. He was then arrested by undercover officers and taken to jail. Now...
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Well let me start out by thanking Laura Gerald for the guided tour, which helped immensely. Also Id like to thank the Gaylaxicon party and the “save the princess” party for answering some questions for this article. Kiki Snell, Chris Bechtold, Kendra Petros, and of course, that stand up group that handed me a...
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Baha look. It’s smiling. It’s a cat that’s smiling. Lab Rats. The idea of “happiness” has been on my mind a lot lately. What exactly is it?How do you obtain it? What’s the secret? The older I get, the more I feel inclined to figure out the answers to these questions. As a chap, happiness is...
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Original illustrations from artist Jed Henry out of Provo, Utah. Classic video game characters, imagined as Japanese Ukiyo-e. “Well, I’m a professional children’s book illustrator by trade. After a solid year of illustrating books, I was looking for a change of pace, so I came up with this project. I’m a huge fan...
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The primary force behind one of Minneapolis’ loudest and most chaotic acts, Emcee/Producer K., describes his current project GAHEDiNDIE in vague yet alluring terms: “Some people call what we do ‘noise rap’. We rep the Desert. We care about the human condition.” The word “noise” should not be under-emphasised here. Even a cursory spin...
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This past Friday, I walked into work with the usual expectation that I had absolutely no plans for the evening and next day. As a single lady in the city who has no one to report to but herself, I was pretty pleased when saw this as an opportunity to make a spontaneous trip...
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I can’t take it anymore. This bullshit marketing scheme for soul-less, money-grubbing, corporate media sluts that for some reason thinks that it’s a brilliant, and dare I speculate, moral, idea to charge people admission prices to see performances by deceased celebrities via hologram is pushing me over the edge of no return. We’re...
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This was written back in 2008 when CEO Mr. Bush and his criminal cohorts were still in but soon to be leaving (not empty handed but still without hearts) their corporate offices. We (my wife, teenage daughter Riva, two dogs and myself) had traveled westward (after I had quit my job at the U.S....
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As a musician myself I can tell you that the most important thing about a live event is energy, and not solely from the performer. Tuesday’s Black Keys show at Target Center in downtown Minneapolis was a high-energy affair from the stage but the crowd failed to match that intensity. The band came out...
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A part of my childhood has died with the death of actor George Lindsey. Lindsey is most famously known as Goober Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show and also as cousin to Gomer Pyle. For those of you not familiar with The Andy Griffith Show, it was from a time when there was still...
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Copyright 2012. www.tatianad.com. All rights reserved. Tatiana Tatiana is a self-taught composer, actor, songwriter, vocalist, and musician from the Minneapolis area, whose sanity is based in the creative. She has worked in film, television, and on stage as an actor and writer. As a musician, she has worked as a producer, film/video game composer,...
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They say a good drummer is one who has a left hand that doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. The lack of distraction between the two lends itself for rhythms and beats to meld together in sometimes immensely complicated structures that add an extra kick (no pun intended) to a favorite song...
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So, I read a book. This is a big deal for me since I haven’t read a book in years. It’s unhealthy, I know. I’m also aware of the contradiction of someone who writes for an online magazine not living the reader’s lifestyle with literature constantly oozing from every pore possible. To write, one...
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The main title of this piece is not a typo. According to the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, as far back as April 10th of 2010, representatives from Apple Computers met with reps from Hatchett, Simon and Schuster, and HarperCollins, three of the largest traditional publishing houses in the industry. The purpose of this meeting? ...
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I drove a limo for a maniacal man Make a little bread was the general plan Where you headed was the question I asked most? When someone asked me back I was gone like a ghost I drove to Vegas met an old woman there Her eyes were wild she had perfect hair...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
