Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
It’s Saturday night, and you know what that means, right ladies? It’s time to party! Time to kick back, take your hair down from that elegant-yet-oppressive chignon, and switch your makeup from “business professional” to “certified streetwalker.” My Saturday’s used to have a hedonistic ritual–sleep until noon, watch hours worth of TiVo, order out...
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Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Today is a day of love, chocolate, fancy dinners, jeweley, and sex with the lights on. Since I am your typical uppity diva, I generally demand a combination of 4 or more of the things listed above, but since this month’s fun money has already been pissed down the drain...
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Like many people who move to a new city and have absolutely no friends, I spend a lot of time on the internet these days. Facebook, of course, is my go-so site, since it allows me to stalk my exes and practice becoming a slot jockey at Mystic Lake once I retire. But after...
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Sex these days just isn’t what it used to be. It’s undergone many changes throughout the ages; from being seen as shameful and dirty to selling it on the internet through Craigslist or a web cam, we’ve come a long way, baby. But whether you are doing it with a person you love or...
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The heat has subsided—at least temporarily—here in Minnesota and the first signs of autumn are becoming evident. As much fun as summer is, I’m always happy to see it go. I’m looking forward to the day when I can put on a sweatshirt and drink a hot cup of coffee on my balcony while...
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I’ve never been more interested in politics than I have been during this, the 2012 election season. I thank the Best of the Left Podcast and all of its contributors for that, because the mass media propaganda that is spewed from the mouths and the printers of our biggest national news correspondents is paid for...
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It’s 2:30 am on a Tuesday morning, and here I sit at my computer, unable to sleep. All around me, my possessions are packed away into cardboard boxes, sealed shut with zebra striped masking tape to take some of the monotony out of the moving process, and yet all I see is the sad,...
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**A note to my more sensitive readers, this one actually gets a bit mushy. Deal with it. It wasn’t until ten thirty on Wednesday night, when I was already lying in my bed – restless in both the heat of the cotton sheets and from the constant stream of thoughts circling in my...
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Today was a beautiful day. As my son and I are leaving the park, my cell phone beeps. It’s a text from Justin, whom I haven’t heard from in months. My former best friend, little brother, partner in crime. For no apparent reason, he asks whether I had ever gone up to see our...
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I’m not one to brag, but I just so happen to be fabulous at making baked goods. One night out of boredom, I chose to make one of my signature treats; my famous Rather Have Sex cookies. They are not nearly as good as my Better Than Sex cake, but I am a lazy...
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So, I’ve been sitting around all week watching MSNBC and CNBC following the mundane reports of this year’s presidential election. Much like our esteemed editor, John Schmitz, I’ve been drinking way too much coffee so I’ve decided to switch to something of more sustenance. Full flavor, 99 calories, Budweiser Select; the good stuff. Now...
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Have you ever been out in public, say at the movies or grocery store, and noticed a ten-year-old kid throwing a tantrum like a toddler? On the ground, limbs splayed and thrashing, perhaps banging his head, while the parents desperately try to diffuse the situation and avoid the gawking strangers? Chances are, you were...
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President Obama finally came out and admitted yesterday that he supports same-sex marriage, an issue that he’s been dancing around for years. It’s a risky business to say such a thing just six months away from the general election, but perhaps the president got a whiff of the political climate and decided that he’d...
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It’s a slow weekday and I have no work, so instead of being a bum in pajamas channel surfing all day, I decide to be productive and run some errands. Being early afternoon in the middle of the week, one would expect light traffic and cautious drivers. Not so, at least not in this...
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A man in New Jersey wired his 10-year-old autistic son for sound and sent him to school, where there had been complaints that the child was “violent,” which was apparently uncharacteristic for him. The results were shocking. It turns out that the child was being bullied by staff, who called him a “bastard,” among...
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I am the type of person that is pretty set in my ways, but as I get older, I’m starting to like a few things that I couldn’t stand even a year ago. Take wine, for instance. I used to think it tasted like antifreeze smells, and that people only drank it because they...
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Massage Etiquette As a professional Massage Therapist, I see bizarre things at my salon all the time. Getting nude in front of a stranger is a weird situation, and most people just plain don’t know how to behave. Maybe some of you are new and are unsure of the protocol. Perhaps you are an...
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Editor’s Note The following ad is satirical. Ms. Grace does not want to date you. Douchebag. I’m an average, decent chick who apparently is a loser magnet. That’s the only type of guy I have ever dated, and the only type I seem to attract. Being in a normal relationship just doesn’t seem to be...
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A few years ago my daughter Amber told me she was going to be in a play called the Vagina Monologues. The Vagina Monologues is by Eve Enlser and consists of several monologues that help bring about awareness and raise money for women and girls of abuse. I still had absolutely no clue what...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
