Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Beware, dear reader: spoilers ahead. In October 1929, on a Black Tuesday that marked the depth of what economist Irvine Fisher described as the “great plateau,” foreshadowing some pretty heinous irony, (or in other words, embedding what Welles would have described as an excellent plot catalyst) Orson Welles was probably examining the ideal life,...
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Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Today is a day of love, chocolate, fancy dinners, jeweley, and sex with the lights on. Since I am your typical uppity diva, I generally demand a combination of 4 or more of the things listed above, but since this month’s fun money has already been pissed down the drain...
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Editor’s Note: YDO beta tests the new Redbox streaming option and he has some constructive criticism. Below, another user shows us how to kill an RCA console TV using dry ice & YDO. Please go to http://www.youtube.com/user/ke6ydoCh2 and make a donation or click on the button below. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working...
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I was parsing the quality of some movies with a friend a few days ago. You know how it goes – us consumers often measure things against the standards by which all other things of equal categorization are judged – books to books, music to music, cars to cars, apples to oranges, and…...
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If Germany is known for one thing, it’s their unofficial motto of “Go big or go home.” Whether they are holding hateful pep rallies or improving on wiener schnitzel, they always take things to the next level. So it’s no surprise to anyone that the newest metal band to come from there is taking...
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I’ll be honest and say that I am a Grasshopper Manufacture fan boy. Killer 7, No More Heroes, Shining Soul, Sine Mora, to me they just make great games. I think the reason is because what they do is quite different from their contemporaries, they strive for unique. Personally I think Ghichi Suda is...
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Nerds worldwide had a collective aneurism when it was announced that Disney was buying Lucasfilm. Some fans are bummed, some are looking forward to Episode 7, one cynical writer called it a Deathblow. That’s a bit melodramatic, as recently LucasArts games haven’t been steadily good. With games like The Force Unleashed and it’s sequel,...
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Well… this is a unique treat. This game surprised me, I got much talk about it on twitter so I decided to check into it myself. This game, which started out slightly odd to me, won me over almost instantly with its over the top gore, unique art and bodacious soundtrack. That’s right, BODACIOUS....
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Seriously reviewers, its easy to whine about how not scary a game is, how you can melee the whole time and fail to mention the good qualities of a solid title. So instead of showing a video, I will actually write a proper review, since all I seem to read is people bitching that...
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On Sunday night I got to see one of my favorite comedians, Pete Holmes, perform live at the Cedar Cultural Center in Minneapolis, MN. Pete may be best known for his voice-over work including that of the e*trade baby, but he is also the host of a popular podcast on the Nerdist network called...
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Little did I know that when I walked into the mall the other day I would be walking out the proud new owner of the Samsung Galaxy S III. This shit’s crazy! I have never owned a cutting-edge piece of technology. Even when I buy new stuff it’s outdated and on clearance. I don’t...
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One of my favorite ways to spend an afternoon is to drive to the suburbs and skim the shelves of Half Priced Books. I usually go to the one in Apple Valley, MN because it’s closest to home, there’s ample parking, and it’s right around the corner from a pet store where I can...
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With the recent release of their second full-length “Motherland”, Minneapolis trio Apollo Cobra are revealing themselves to be a local act you can’t afford to ignore. Without the use of laptops, guitars or typical drum machine sounds they are making dance music that feels simultaneously organic and futuristic. Keyboardist Dylan Nau’s penchant for...
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Lab Rats. I recently had the pleasure of sitting down and listening to Alisha Vertel’s debut EP, Black and Blue. In short, the shit knocks — from track 1 to track 7. It’s definitely going to stay pumping from in my earphones for the next couple weeks. Needless to say, I’m impressed. There’s an energy to...
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Editor’s Note: In this video, our West Coast correspondent, YDO, sings Clearwire’s praises as a wireless Internet provider. He also smokes some pot and shows us all what we’d be doing on a Wednesday afternoon in a perfect world. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15 as a...
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Original illustrations from artist Jed Henry out of Provo, Utah. Classic video game characters, imagined as Japanese Ukiyo-e. “Well, I’m a professional children’s book illustrator by trade. After a solid year of illustrating books, I was looking for a change of pace, so I came up with this project. I’m a huge fan...
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The primary force behind one of Minneapolis’ loudest and most chaotic acts, Emcee/Producer K., describes his current project GAHEDiNDIE in vague yet alluring terms: “Some people call what we do ‘noise rap’. We rep the Desert. We care about the human condition.” The word “noise” should not be under-emphasised here. Even a cursory spin...
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Editor’s Note: Robert Martin, our West Coast correspondent, is happy to bring us an informative review of Wendy’s chili, which goes well with crackers and has hardly any severed fingers in it. In YDO’s follow-up video, this brave reporter stares directly into the sun and lives to tell about it. Robert Martin, born sometime...
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Editor’s Note: In this first video, our West Coast correspondent brings you a comprehensive review of Hungry Man TV dinners. In the second video, YDO celebrates with a bath, a bong hit, and fondly recalls his days as a married man. Robert Martin, born sometime in 1961, began working at the age of 15...
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As a musician myself I can tell you that the most important thing about a live event is energy, and not solely from the performer. Tuesday’s Black Keys show at Target Center in downtown Minneapolis was a high-energy affair from the stage but the crowd failed to match that intensity. The band came out...
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They say a good drummer is one who has a left hand that doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. The lack of distraction between the two lends itself for rhythms and beats to meld together in sometimes immensely complicated structures that add an extra kick (no pun intended) to a favorite song...
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So, I read a book. This is a big deal for me since I haven’t read a book in years. It’s unhealthy, I know. I’m also aware of the contradiction of someone who writes for an online magazine not living the reader’s lifestyle with literature constantly oozing from every pore possible. To write, one...
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I hate when I’m perusing through my iTunes library and I can’t find anything to listen to. The count at the bottom of the screen says I have 2,305 items and not one of those songs fits my mood. I have been desperately scanning around the internet and asking friends what they’ve been listening...
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A few weeks ago, singer Lana del Rey gave what has been described as a “terrible live performance” on Saturday Night Live. I didn’t get a chance to see the performance myself, since I’m still on my way to becoming a real live grown up with furniture sets and an impressive cable line up;...
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The Uncanny Valley: Tales From A Lost Town by Gregory Miller Illustrated by Randall York StoneGarden.Net Publishers 2011 Reviewed by Mike Nardine (“Gregory Miller is a fresh new talent with a great future.” –Ray Bradbury) As all of us know, a valley is a low point on the topography usually bisected by a river...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
