Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Web Site: http://www.secretlaboratory.org
Congrats dear readers/my lovely flying monkeys, Minnesotans have voted no on both amendments. So now I, your gracious columnist, is not prohibited from marrying whoever I want and I don’t need to show a current ID to vote. So go you, dear readers! Star Wars has been sold, Barack Obama has been re-elected! Anything...
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I have returned! I got distracted by an email from a reader that directed me to Cosmo’s sex tips—apparently people take that shit seriously. Anywhores, the letter and my response are below. Dear Nick, My girlfriend read an issue of Cosmo that had 50 Shades of Grey-inspired sex tips. Below is some of the...
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My lovely and talented fellow Secret Laboratory writer Liliana Grace posted an article recently on sexual etiquette. One of the points she made was that porn isn’t real life. I have to say I agree with her and I’m disappointed I got the following emails. I expect better of you, my dear readers. Dear...
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Dear Nick, I’m a fairly attractive woman in my late twenties, but I seem to have a pattern of only dating losers. Is the economy really so bad that all the men I find attractive are unemployed? Do I need to lower my high standards to meet the level of the general population, or...
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Dear Nick, True story–just happened to me I told the guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months that I’m pregnant. He said we were going to name the baby Tony Montana (from Scarface). I objected and he said Hannah Montana if it’s a girl; I objected to that also. Then he asked for...
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Dear readers, I’ve gotten a few e-mails since my introductory posting. I will now answer a few of them. If Dan Savage is a gay Ann Landers, think of me as a pansexual Dear Abby, and now your questions: Dear Nick, I’m a 20 something hetero male and my girlfriend never seems to climax...
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Dear readers of Secret Laboratory, Do you have sex and or relationship woes? Does Dan Savage never return your calls or answer your emails? I am respectfully here to take some of that work off of Mr. Savage’s hands. Shoot me an email at nicktschida@secretlaboratory.org and I’d be happy to answer any and all questions. Nick...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
