Allen Tesch

Thousands of baby rats streamed out of the corners and cracks, their tiny pink bodies soon covering the dirty walls and floor. He bolted awake onto an elbow, breathing heavily and blinking away the huddles of baby rats he saw lying on the carpet. He lied back down onto the couch and wondered why...
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Hello? Yes? See honey, nobody is here, just like we said. Oh, I’m here alright. But I saw him. He was right in the corner. Honey, it must have been a shadow. Or a dream. No, it was me. But I did see him! She’s such a sweet girl, would a pretty face like...
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Stanley stood quietly drinking a lemonade and staring at the dead Hutterite man lying on his front step. He was sprawled out on his back with an arrow sticking out of his chest. Stanley wondered if he could tell time off of it. He also wondered where the body had come from. He figured...
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Facing a surprisingly tough re-election campaign, White House insiders have hinted at an October Surprise that may truly be out of this world. If nearly 90 percent employment, the ordering of the murder of Osama Bin Laden, and his amazing ability to orate won’t convince the people to keep Obama in office, they say...
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This weekend the residents of Ogdensburg, NY held their annual Border Clash marathon, and a fine time was had by all participants, volunteers and viewers. But that’s where the list ends. I say that because at the end of the race in the runners’ wake there was left (along with the typical trail of...
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Nobody could understand why she was still with him. She, once so beautiful and full of energy, now worn out from life, the children, and his borderline abusive neglect. It was the fairy tale allowed to play out. He regarded her now, the few times he did, with a sort of disconnected contempt. He...
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The car is leaking oil. Not really leaking but more dripping. Slobbering. Drooling. But the good news is that it’s only when it runs. I think. It’s hard to diagnose these things on your own. I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone. For a guy, a car problem you have no idea how...
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He got an envelope with his sign up sheet and money returned to him. “Lack of interest in the Summer League” It explained. His heart dropped, and quickly felt foolish. The anxiety over deciding to join, the imaginary future conversations, even the jogging to get in shape; they all seemed very stupid. He was...
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Recent studies that have been recalculated to show that global temperatures have in fact remained steady for decades and that the ice sheets in the arctic are not shrinking only serve to prove the point that scientists have been saying all along: that Global Climate Stability is the greatest threat facing the planet today....
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The Man’s lights tempted epilepsy as they bounced off the buildings and our eyes on the once quietly-profitable night. As Brown Beverly thundered through the burnout street we knew the crackdown had begun. Treev kept a keen eye on the road as he threw his paper hat out the window and tore the magnetic...
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Our meals were placed on the homemade wooden table by the wife as our host, right arm under the table and left hand slowly turning a beer bottle, continued to talk about his hogs. We’ve learned that if you travel freely and want to eat, you have to listen to stories. “Yes sir, hogging...
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Raccoons. Furry little imps, cute trouble makers of the suburban wildlife. Broken purr louts, eaters of garbage and dog food. They smell like the living dead, their black paws speak of necrosis. They say that the black face is like a mask, but I know the truth. One summer in high school I went...
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It’s less than a week away. The excitement is in the air. Can you feel it? It’s electric. The pageantry! The celebrity! The Oscars! I hope you forgive me if you enjoy the Oscars, but I’ve got better things to do than watch famous millionaires get drunk and hand out awards to each other....
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Early afternoon is an awful time for shiraz, though I’m not sure if it’s the time of day or the wine. Nasty stuff, really. With an aftertaste that only moderately hints of household cleaner (which I suppose could be blamed on my drinking mug, but I never clean that). The whole thing tastes of...
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When I woke up in my hotel room with an obscenely-dressed, three-hundred-pound woman sitting on my chest, scratching my face with her crusted black hair every time she moved her head, I wondered what took them so long to find me. It all started a few weeks before when I decided, for reasons that...
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Two Mankato pizza delivery drivers were robbed at gunpoint near downtown this Saturday night–and while the assailants were eventually apprehended, it raises questions among residents if these crimes would have even been attempted if we still had our favorite local vigilante. The pizza driver heists, the summer art walk defacings–these were all crimes where,...
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Brown Beverly screeched to a halt next to me amidst a billow of blue smoke and blaring noise. Treev leaned his body out the window and shot me with his wide wild grin. “I said boy, get in.” I lit a cigarette and eyed the light-colored trail Brown Beverly left in her erratic wake...
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I just got an invitation for our 15-year class reunion from that PC-worshiping, holier-than-thou witch, Jessie Spano. “Dear Peoples of Bayside class of ’94!” Blech. Surprised she didn’t require us to bring canned goods for the homeless or cleaning supplies for oil-stained penguins. I’m not even sure how she got the job of putting...
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Unseasonably warm weather has been a problem for the Mankato snow shovel gangs, with some saying it has led them to resort to intimidation tactics and an outright war for survival. The gangs, who can typically be seen roaming the neighborhoods of the city looking for sidewalks or driveways to shovel, have become increasingly...
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It all happened on a Thursday night I had off work. I was eating bacon grease off the bottom of my frying pan when my friend Treev Wilson let himself into my apartment unannounced and began menacing me with a large black stun gun, demanding to see my fingers. I hadn’t seen Treev in...
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Recently an 18-year-old Oklahoma woman made the news for shooting an intruder while on the phone with a police dispatcher. The woman was home alone with her baby when a 24-year-old man armed with a 12-inch knife attempted to break into her home with an accomplice. This story has given rise to a number...
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