Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
Web Site: http://www.pattilynnhenry.com
On Sunday night I got to see one of my favorite comedians, Pete Holmes, perform live at the Cedar Cultural Center in Minneapolis, MN. Pete may be best known for his voice-over work including that of the e*trade baby, but he is also the host of a popular podcast on the Nerdist network called...
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Little did I know that when I walked into the mall the other day I would be walking out the proud new owner of the Samsung Galaxy S III. This shit’s crazy! I have never owned a cutting-edge piece of technology. Even when I buy new stuff it’s outdated and on clearance. I don’t...
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On Thursday, August 30th, 2012, Beloved smarty pants Bill Nye the Science Guy released a video on Bigthink.com titled “Creationism is Not Appropriate for Children” in which he urged the grown-ups of the world to refrain from teaching their children the myth of creationism as an alternative to science. He said, “I say to the...
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I’ve never been more interested in politics than I have been during this, the 2012 election season. I thank the Best of the Left Podcast and all of its contributors for that, because the mass media propaganda that is spewed from the mouths and the printers of our biggest national news correspondents is paid for...
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One of my favorite ways to spend an afternoon is to drive to the suburbs and skim the shelves of Half Priced Books. I usually go to the one in Apple Valley, MN because it’s closest to home, there’s ample parking, and it’s right around the corner from a pet store where I can...
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In May 2011, the Minnesota State Legislature voted to put a constitutional amendment on the 2012 ballots in Minnesota that will read: “Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as marriage in Minnesota?” Minnesotans, please VOTE NO this...
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In other news this week, actor Fred Willard, 72, was charged with “lewd conduct” on Wednesday July 18th. Reportedly, he was minding his own business and he exposed himself at a Hollywood XXX movie theatre by the name of The Tiki Theatre. He was then arrested by undercover officers and taken to jail. Now...
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My friend Igal Vainshtein has invited me into his home for a guided meditation group held semi-weekly for the last five months. If you’ve never heard of or experienced meditation, I highly recommend it for its calming qualities and the way which it can help connect one to his or her surroundings. Essentially, the goal during a...
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Anyone who hasn’t been living in a subterranean ice castle will no doubt have realized by now that it’s hot outside. Not just hot – really, really fucking hot. Oppressively hot. Sweat pooling in your undies hot. And there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight, as CNN reports that the US has...
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The Internet is abuzz today with headlines proclaiming that “Spanking Boosts Odds of Mental Illness.” I tried to poke around and find the source of all the new research, but all I’ve gathered from the multiple news sources I’ve checked into was that it was a Canadian-based study which looked at over 600 adult...
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The alarm clock began buzzing at six-thirty Saturday morning, and I was wrestling with the bed sheet to let me free. I dashed to the windows which overlooked my back yard – it was like some twisted version of Christmas morning, and I was the eager child wondering what Santa might have left for...
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On a nightstand on the edge of its master’s bed, an old orange cup sat and waited. It was a simple cup – short and squat, with a handle just big enough for a child’s hand to grasp. In its heyday apple juice flowed out like mother’s milk. It was requested constantly by its master,...
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It seems like every time I flip through the newspaper or turn on the news there’s another fatal or near-fatal shooting being reported. It’s one of the many reasons I try to avoid watching the news, actually. My heart sincerely goes out to the victims and their families every time I hear of another...
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The dog shit is finally gone. That green bag which I used to pick up the dozen or so little piles of dog shit from my neighbor’s Boston Terrier, ‘TK’, is no longer steaming in front of their garage door as it had been for the last three days. I had resorted to this...
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**A note to my more sensitive readers, this one actually gets a bit mushy. Deal with it. It wasn’t until ten thirty on Wednesday night, when I was already lying in my bed – restless in both the heat of the cotton sheets and from the constant stream of thoughts circling in my...
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After three years of planning and prepping I finally have my outdoor herb garden. No, you fucking potheads, not that kind of herb. I’m talking about a different kind of green stuff. My herb garden is filled with things that I can actually use. I’ve got mint for mojitos, and lavender for those cute...
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I can’t take it anymore. This bullshit marketing scheme for soul-less, money-grubbing, corporate media sluts that for some reason thinks that it’s a brilliant, and dare I speculate, moral, idea to charge people admission prices to see performances by deceased celebrities via hologram is pushing me over the edge of no return. We’re...
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My childhood was dotted with animals, both domestic and exotic. Sure, we had the typical lap dogs and farm cats, and the random chicken, horse, and goat. We bred and sold dozens of species of waterfowl from around the world; ducks, geese, swans, and even the odd peacock or two. At one point we...
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In the days and weeks leading up to Memorial Day weekend I felt a burning itch to succumb to our native traditions. That’s right; I yearned to go ‘Up North.’ I called in some favors and pulled some strings, and was able to procure a place to stay in a cabin on a lake....
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
