Secret Laboratory
Music, News, & Global Affairs
For those of you who regularly read my articles, you know that I generally write silly, funny things and tend to stay away from political issues, especially ones where I take direct quotes from newspapers, as I will in this article. But an article I read yesterday in the Sunday Edition Star Tribune got...
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It’s Saturday night, and you know what that means, right ladies? It’s time to party! Time to kick back, take your hair down from that elegant-yet-oppressive chignon, and switch your makeup from “business professional” to “certified streetwalker.” My Saturday’s used to have a hedonistic ritual–sleep until noon, watch hours worth of TiVo, order out...
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Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Today is a day of love, chocolate, fancy dinners, jeweley, and sex with the lights on. Since I am your typical uppity diva, I generally demand a combination of 4 or more of the things listed above, but since this month’s fun money has already been pissed down the drain...
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If Germany is known for one thing, it’s their unofficial motto of “Go big or go home.” Whether they are holding hateful pep rallies or improving on wiener schnitzel, they always take things to the next level. So it’s no surprise to anyone that the newest metal band to come from there is taking...
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Like many people who move to a new city and have absolutely no friends, I spend a lot of time on the internet these days. Facebook, of course, is my go-so site, since it allows me to stalk my exes and practice becoming a slot jockey at Mystic Lake once I retire. But after...
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Sex these days just isn’t what it used to be. It’s undergone many changes throughout the ages; from being seen as shameful and dirty to selling it on the internet through Craigslist or a web cam, we’ve come a long way, baby. But whether you are doing it with a person you love or...
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Since my last article, my life has gone through some drastic changes. I moved to a new town, was screwed out of the job I was promised, learned how to juggle my son’s time with his father now that distance is a factor, dealt with some awful financial issues, graduated from the “honeymoon phase”...
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It’s 2:30 am on a Tuesday morning, and here I sit at my computer, unable to sleep. All around me, my possessions are packed away into cardboard boxes, sealed shut with zebra striped masking tape to take some of the monotony out of the moving process, and yet all I see is the sad,...
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Today was a beautiful day. As my son and I are leaving the park, my cell phone beeps. It’s a text from Justin, whom I haven’t heard from in months. My former best friend, little brother, partner in crime. For no apparent reason, he asks whether I had ever gone up to see our...
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I’m not one to brag, but I just so happen to be fabulous at making baked goods. One night out of boredom, I chose to make one of my signature treats; my famous Rather Have Sex cookies. They are not nearly as good as my Better Than Sex cake, but I am a lazy...
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Have you ever been out in public, say at the movies or grocery store, and noticed a ten-year-old kid throwing a tantrum like a toddler? On the ground, limbs splayed and thrashing, perhaps banging his head, while the parents desperately try to diffuse the situation and avoid the gawking strangers? Chances are, you were...
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It’s a slow weekday and I have no work, so instead of being a bum in pajamas channel surfing all day, I decide to be productive and run some errands. Being early afternoon in the middle of the week, one would expect light traffic and cautious drivers. Not so, at least not in this...
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I am the type of person that is pretty set in my ways, but as I get older, I’m starting to like a few things that I couldn’t stand even a year ago. Take wine, for instance. I used to think it tasted like antifreeze smells, and that people only drank it because they...
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Massage Etiquette As a professional Massage Therapist, I see bizarre things at my salon all the time. Getting nude in front of a stranger is a weird situation, and most people just plain don’t know how to behave. Maybe some of you are new and are unsure of the protocol. Perhaps you are an...
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Editor’s Note The following ad is satirical. Ms. Grace does not want to date you. Douchebag. I’m an average, decent chick who apparently is a loser magnet. That’s the only type of guy I have ever dated, and the only type I seem to attract. Being in a normal relationship just doesn’t seem to be...
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For those of us here in Minnesota, winter is not quite over. May is half gone and a few hours ago, it was 40 degrees outside. I had the fireplace on and the space heater going. Then the sun came out, the temperature jumped about 30 degrees, and I had to open the windows.
These days we hear a lot of talk about Global Warming. Whether or not there is any truth to it remains to be seen—and frankly, it doesn't make a damned bit of difference either way. Climate change is real—warmer, colder, whatever—but it has nothing to do with us and we're never going to prevent it. And since we got a foot of snow last week and it's going to be 90 on Tuesday ... well ... I'm not sold on Global Warming. The weatherman can't even predict rain, let alone tell us whether or not we're facing an inferno and/or an ice age.
This weekend is the fishing opener. This means very little to me, as I never bother with a license anyway. It's also Mother's Day. Recently I've been bombarded by emails from an online florist, suggesting that I send Ex-wife #2 a beautiful bouquet.
Never in hell. Maybe if they had an option to have the arrangement stuffed with angry bees; but barring that ... no.
To hell with holidays and bees and everything else. For the last 24 hours, Terencio and I have been plotting the future of this magazine. He even wrote his column and published a couple of articles. The next order of business is for me to write something.
And I might. I have plenty to say—none of it important, of course—but a meandering essay with no direction whatsoever is probably the best way to ease back into my routine. Politics? Not to start. Not today.
And ... meh.
—John T. Schmitz
Publisher & Editor-in-Chief
Founder, Maple Hills Press
editor@secretlaboratory.org
"I wanted my own column in the sidebar ... but now I don't know what to do with it."
"But sure you do! You write in it! That is what most people who claim the moniker of writer would likely do."
"But what do I write?"
"The resolution to that parable, my friend, lies upon the path that you must seek."
"Who are you?! And where did you come from?!"
"I am...the part of you that is, and will be, in all that we are..."
Hello Lab!
The voices are becoming louder and the cries ever more commanding. I hear them and I am working the best I can to whip myself into some kind of respectable shape and take back my claim to authorship.
So, I have been signaled to action from the Lab's headquarters. There has been much waking from many deep slumbers and now the drowsiness is fading and the challenges of the day are dutifully materializing before my conscience in their daily summons to contest.
No fear, Secret Laboratory! Power down the Bat Beacon, John.
John. John? Wherefore art thou? Come quickly and hear ye: The Lab is scheduled to receive a bright and refreshing burst of content! I have plans for at least one new category: Network Security
In the recent weeks I have become familiar with penetration testing software such as Backtrack and Kali Linux. These are Linux based Operating Systems that are used by network security professionals for white hat constructive hacking; and network exploiting operators for black hat destructive hacking. Writers of Secret Laboratory are free to show interest in this new category if you so choose. I will be producing content regarding how to crack WEP/WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption and how to protect yourself from such attacks, for starters. It only gets interesting from there.
For those of you interested in preparing yourself for this new world of fun and adventure, I recommend you go ahead and get the tools: Kali Linux
It can be downloaded at - http://www.kali.org/downloads/
The Secret Laboratory is in the grueling process of churning old gears and installing new ones to bring life into our world of journalistic comedy and tragedy. Sink or swim, this boat is headed out to sea.
I'm headed off to write a column now that the voices in my head have stopped...
But I can't seem to find John.
John?
Oh shit. Really? He's in the bathroom? Again? Geez, I'm glad I didn't have whatever he did. Must have been the pills. I'm glad I only had the purple ones...
"Hey John! Can you reach the mini fridge from in there? I think I need another beer!"
—Terencio Safford
Editor, Secret Laboratory
terencio@secretlaboratory.org
